Not Jealous? Not So Fast!

I often think that I’m not a jealous person because I feel such intense compersion when Flick is connecting with someone else in a sexy environment or when he’s fucking someone else, either in front of me or on a date. Hitting the 18-month mark on our non-monogamous relationship has taught me about a few jealous triggers that still get me.

Curse you, green-eyed monster!  I was so smug that I'd beaten you. Turns out you don't go down without a real fight.

When Flick is fucking or interacting sexually with a new partner, I'm so on board. Makes me incredibly hot to watch it. I have, in fact, orgasmed lying next to him at the exact moment he's entered someone else. But when Flick is lost to kissing or touching a new partner in a more casual setting--smooching someone else in line in the buffet at Desire Resort & Spa or coming across him making out with our girlfriend in the kitchen when they were supposed to be getting drinks--I am really surprised to feel hurt rather than wet.

That quiet intimacy is so much more painful than sexual intimacy somehow. And it's weird because I want him to feel connected and intimate with his partners. I love that our lifestyle gives him more of that intimate connection, especially as we become more polyamorous in our relationships. Maybe I just don't want to have to see it outside the bedroom because it reminds me that I tend to be affection-averse in public and it’s hard to see him with someone who isn’t. It also reminds me that some of his relationships are so much more than sexual and although it’s awesome, it is a little scary.

It’s tricky to have such paradoxical feelings. Instead of seeing public makeouts as a confirmation of a perceived ‘ice queen’ failure on my part, I want to be able to be glad he’s getting something he enjoys from someone who also enjoys it. I also want him and Iris to be able to enjoy a smooch when they want without feeling like they’re using ‘getting drinks’ as an excuse to sneak off and have fun without me.

My other main jealous trigger is when partners I have extremely limited time with are paying attention to other people in a play party situation or on a sensual, tropical, swinger vacation. We're all there to have a bunch of great experiences with many people so it only makes sense that they’d be engaging with others. It's just difficult to not feel that the other/new person is the preferred person, and that maybe my paramor isn't that into me after all, no matter how much evidence I have to the contrary.

It's easy to fall into the trap of worrying their affection for me might be displaced by their feelings or connection with someone else. I always have such a powerful jealous reaction to women I think are cooler than me, or seem a lot like me without all the crippling anxiety--like Kat 2.0 upgrade.

Although it's not impossible for a partner’s feelings to change in an instant, my fear of immediate replacement is pretty silly. I connect well with new people regularly, and it doesn’t change how I felt about my current people. It is also kind of insulting to the people I care for that I view their feelings as so changeable, and it’s pretty selfish to want to deny them the pleasure of sexy attention or experiences.

Monogamous thinking tells us that if something is shared, it is no longer valuable. It’s tells us the only true relationship or love is shared between two people, and if there is even a single blip of emotion or sexual connection for another, that relationship was a failure, a lie, or never 'real'. I don't believe that to be true at all, yet when someone I really like is smitten with another, I doubt our relationship, and wonder if what we have is ‘real’.

Most important for me to remember is that jealousy is only a feeling and it doesn’t have to mean anything more than any other feeling. It doesn’t even mean anything is wrong. It is most useful as a gauge as to whether my needs are being met. Not surprisingly, in the relationships where most of my needs are fulfilled, I feel the least jealous. When my needs aren’t being met, jealousy and it’s pal insecurity have a lot more power.

Focusing on getting those needs met rather than attempting to ‘cure’ myself of jealousy will go so much further in helping me experience the fulfillment, happiness, and sexy fun in my relationships.

After all, aren’t fulfillment, happiness, and sexy fun why we signed up for this wild ride?

Fuck Me Like A Person: Sexism in the Lifestyle

One of the most surprising things to me as I began exploring non-monogamy last year, particularly the swinger lifestyle, was the amount of rampant sexism flowing through the community. I’d expected that a group that had shrugged off the societal rules of marriage = monogamy would be far less willing to embrace the sexist gender roles and rules shoved down our throats at every turn.

I know. Feminism, such a fun topic. And believe me, I feel like a killjoy discussing that rather than my umpteenth threesome this month, or the hot young man who nailed me through the mattress earlier today, and I wish that sexism was so non-existent that I wouldn’t even have to bring it up. But other than the great job Life on the Swingset the website and podcast do to make progressive strides in swinging attitudes, misogyny is ubiquitous in swingtown.

One of the most obvious places I see it is in the theme nights at my local club (and at Desire Resort & Spa, so I’m exceptionally happy our Swingset crew is coming up with the themes this year) such as Bunnies and Millionaires. I get it. The bunny ears and little outfit with fishnets is cute & hot. But the whole power imbalance between men and women as the default in the theme is so frustrating and revolting.

I’m all for a lovely negotiated consensual power imbalance in playtime with nicknames, infantilism, roleplay whatever that two or more people want to do. But with a Bunnies & Millionaires theme, we’re harkening back to a time that Playboy bunnies had to go through regular measurements and weigh-ins, and would be fired if they didn’t stay within those strict guidelines, just to please the rich white men attending the Playboy club? Sickening, not sexy!

The next place I see it is the use of ‘girl’ for woman without the corresponding use of ‘boy’ for man. Again, it’s cute, and when a certain someone calls me a ‘sexy girl’, I feel all fluttery, and also incredibly conflicted, because it’s a throwback to a time when women weren’t considered to be adults the way men were. Women couldn’t make medical decisions for themselves such as getting their tubes tied without their husband’s permission. My mother-in-law (a grown-ass woman) couldn’t get a car loan at one point, despite having a job that would easily pay for it, without her father as co-sign, because she didn’t have a husband.

The weight of that historic oppression smothers the cuteness related to the word ‘girl’. So when I saw ‘girls only orgy’ on the schedule with ‘guys welcome to watch’ at Desire in November, I just couldn’t bring myself to participate, as much as I’d have loved to be in that wonderfully writhing pile of women.

The most insidious place I see it is when men in the lifestyle ask permission of other men to do things to their wives/partners, rather than asking the women directly, as if the women don’t have the agency to speak for themselves. I know that it is a holdover from monogamy, for fear that the partnered male might get violent with another guy approaching his woman. This is 100% related to the fact that women were once property and men will violently defend their ownership of said property. Any guy who has pulled that ‘I was just being courteous’ crap with us has been shut down immediately. By me. The patriarchy has no place in my pussy.

Maybe it seems like I’m overreacting, and if it were a single little thing, I would agree, but it isn’t. It’s so omnipresent that we don’t even see it most places. Every ‘Treat her like a princess, Fuck her like a whore’ meme just reinforces the desperate need to overreact until the new normal for memes reads:

‘Treat her like a person, Fuck her like a person’

Reconnecting with Sexy Friends: Weekend in Seattle

We met so many amazing people at  Swingset Takes Desire trip in November, yet very few of them live anywhere near us on the wetcoast. We were thrilled to find out that Wes and Raina, a couple we clicked with very well at Desire Resort and Spa, were coming to Seattle, only a couple hours away from us. Hooray!

After having an intense connection when we met, Wes and I had been texting almost daily, having Skype dates when we could, and building a poly relationship. I occasionally panic at how quickly things have progressed, but really like him, so work to keep my natural resistance to ‘feelings’ in check.

Wes and I had a bunch of fun chatting online, picking a hotel, though room and bed configuration were tricky. We were definitely getting separate rooms because a) they were travelling with another friend who would not be part of the shenanigans and b) I’m a super-introvert and would likely be huddled in a corner rocking and sobbing if I spent that much non-stop time with people over a weekend. We wanted to spend one night together with the 4 of us in one room, so we eventually decided on queen sized beds, since though kings are fun for the sexing, 4 people in a bed are not going to get any sleep.

Flick and I packed a huge bag of toys, condoms, gloves, dams, throes, lube, and harnesses. I felt some pangs as always about crossing into the US with that stuff. I have no issues being a pervert, but I have worries about being denied entry into the US (possibly forever) for being a pervert. “We don’t need your maple-scented filth here, ma’am!”

Did you not know Canadians smell like maple syrup? Because we totally do.

We arrived at the hotel several hours before Wes & Raina, and managed to stay awake late enough for a quick kiss and cuddle with them before we separated to pass out for the night. In the morning, we met them and their friend Connor for breakfast, enjoying mimosas and tasty food as we planned our day of touristy adventures.

I have to confess that I was super nervous about spending intense time with other people over a weekend. I need a lot of solo time after a busy work week to recharge my introvert batteries. When we’d gone to Whistler in the fall with Hot Mama, her hubby, and baby, I kept having to go for walks in the woods to stop from going crazy from all the people. I’m not my best self in that environment and can get rather hostile. Highly motivated by sex with Wes and Raina, I was willing to give the trip a go despite my nerves (our Whistler trip had been sex free due to cock-blocking baby, other than for Flick and Hot Mama while both myself and Hot Papa [and baby] were out on separate introvert walks).

The four of us had a great time playing tourist in Seattle the way I never have previously. We did the Underground Seattle tour and it was fun hanging out and holding hands with Wes as we walked. I don’t do much in the way of PDAs at home, since it’s a pretty small city and chance of running into someone Flick & I know is pretty high. I realized as I instinctively touched and smooched Flick as well as Wes, that perhaps the other people in our tour group might have been wondering what was going on with the four who seemed to be swapping cuddle partners regularly. Well, they were probably thinking (accurately!) that we were a bunch of dirty perverts.

We headed back to the hotel in the late afternoon to clean up in our separate rooms before our 4-way sexy date. Taking Dan Savage’s advice to Fuck First, we planned to get our sexy on before going for a late dinner.

Once Flick and I were clean and ready to go, I was suddenly very nervous again. It seems to be a phenomenon for me before dates that I kind of freak out for a bit, start trying to think of reasons to cancel, how I could get out of it, flee before anyone gets there.  I just thought it happened before solo dates and when Flick has been around to witness it at home, he thought it was something I had against him. When he saw it happen even before a duo date with people I’ve slept with before, he realized it was just part of my process. He ran to the liquor store across the street for some wine to calm me the fuck down.

Some deep breaths and some blessed vino got me to a better headspace and once Wes and Raina arrived, mouths and hands quickly stripped me of my nerves, and my clothes, and fun, happy Kat was back. Once we’d worn ourselves out with the orgasms, we drove into downtown Seattle for a really nice dinner, then returned to the hotel and snuggled up two to a bed for sleep. It was the first night I’ve spent with a partner, which was kind of a big deal. As I lay awake reading (sleeping? Who me?), I heard three sets of breathing change into light snores and I got to reflect on all the choices and coincidences that brought us all to that place together. It was a pretty great place to be.

Swinging in Paradise - Desire Recap Part 3

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Swinging in Paradise: Desire Recap - Part 2

Wednesday was a tough day. I’d been pretty shaken by the previous night, but did my best to bounce back. I was also really sick by this point and had barely slept the entire trip (I get terrible insomnia when I travel). I had some sort of digestive bug before I’d even left home, and being in Mexico did NOT help matters. I was very excited about the events of the day -- pegging demo and flogging demo -- so I took a bunch of medicine and rallied to keep going.

After the pegging demo I stuck around to snuggle Cooper with Ophilia and Raina. Flick was off to the flogging demo and I was really torn--stick around to support and pleasure my friend or go watch something I really wanted to learn more about with Flick. I knew I’d feel guilty either choice, but I was snuggled and happy so chose to stay, and had a great time when snuggle time turned into three of us giving him a triple handjob. Although I did my best to fight it, my brain was constantly pinging that I was doing something wrong, and also that they might have wanted someone other than me to be there.  

As we wrapped up, I headed into the flogging demo and chatted about my distress with Flick, who off-handedly mentioned I hadn’t gotten to enjoy either thing. That hit me really hard and as I began to get emotional, all my insecurities of the week swept in coupled with frustration with the anxiety that ruins many experiences for me, and I had to race back to the room before the tears hit.

Flick came back to our room after the demo and found me crying my face off, we cuddled and chatted. He was having a lot of jealousy issues of his own, both about my connection with Will, and feeling insecure about how strong his feelings were for Peach, and his shyness getting in the way of putting himself forward with her.

We had dinner that night with a sexy, young couple we’d been spending a lot of casual time with but hadn’t had much of a chance to chat with in a more intimate setting. It was nice to focus on only two people, after having spent entirely too much of our day in our heads and emotional selves. We danced and socialized after dinner then headed to the hot tub.

That night Wes and I decided to split off from the crowd for some one on one time. We chatted for a couple hours lying on one of the beds nearby, both surprised with how quickly one could form an intense bond in the setting at Desire, and then segued into some extremely hot fucking. When I returned to the tub, wobble legged, I couldn’t see Flick. I looked around at all the various thrusting asses on nearby beds, but none of them belonged to him.

A little panicked I headed back to our room, worried that my disappearing for so long with Wes was an issue for my sweetie. Turns out, he wasn’t upset about my shenanigans but was feeling really lousy about his own lack of confidence. He’d been spending time chatting with Peach and a way more confident guy literally put himself bodily between Flick and Peach, and grabbed her attention away. This part of Flick always surprises me, since he’s so much more naturally social than me, I forget how shy he really is. We talked for ages, dazed and frustrated by what an emotional day it had been.

Thursday morning we met up with Mal and Peach and decided to get together for a foursome in the late morning. I love daytime sex! They’re such a sexy couple and we had an amazing time, though we had to cut things a little short to grab lunch before the Swingset and Gentle Perverts Social Club live podcast recordings. There’s a great moment in the live Swingset podcast when I shut down Dylan’s brain by taking off my top. For an attention whore, you wouldn’t have thought I’d blush bright red and try to slide under my seat when all eyes turned my way, but I really didn’t think anyone was looking at me when I had gotten overheated and removed a layer.

After the outstanding tassel twirling class that followed all the chatting, Flick showed off his wingman skills to kickstart a sexy date between me and the cute guy from dinner the night before. “Maybe you should show him our room.” “Um, would you like to see our room?” He did.

The sexy shenanigans continued that night when I had my first opportunity to act as unicorn. We’d been flirting for several days with a couple and the sexual tension was really building that evening as we all danced in the lobby bar. Flick wasn’t feeling up for a sexy date, but he kept working his wingman skills and encouraged the three of us to go have a great time.

Liana and Aiden were unlike any of the other couples we met. Their energy, although incredible and sexy, was also gentle and we had a wonderful, tender night full of firsts for all three of us. I learned, amongst other things, to tuck the straps of my harness into the waistband so they don’t tickle my partner’s feet. We went to join the fun and conversation in the hot tub afterwards as a lovely denouement to the evening.

I woke Friday morning, the final full day of the trip, to the sound of Flick clicking his phone’s home button. I’d had another terrible night’s sleep and was all bleary eyed as I rolled over. I caught glimpse of an image on his phone that I swore was Peach in a Life on the Swingset shirt, no bottoms, gazing all sexy at the camera.

I was devastated.

The previous day during the podcast, Cooper had mentioned a Swingsetter sending such a photo to the podcast, and I was sure he was talking about me. When I glimpsed the photo, I realized he might not have been talking about me. Maybe I was only one of many women who’d done so. I’d considered putting my hand up during the podcast to take ownership of the act, and as I thought about it, I had this visceral experience of the humiliating feeling of what it would have been like if I’d been all, ‘that was me’ and Copper had said, ‘oh yeah, I forgot that you did that too.’ I staggered to the washroom and sat weeping on the toilet for about 10 minutes with a washcloth over my mouth so Flick wouldn’t hear.

When I got myself together, I went back into the bedroom and asked Flick to see the photo of Peach.

“What photo?” he asked.

I was furious! “The photo of Peach in the Swingset shirt! The one you were looking at when you woke me up.”

“Uh, that was a photo of Star in a Janus Cat shirt.” He pulled up photo and showed me the photo of his paramour from home.

My brain is such an asshole. They don’t even look alike. There was no reason to believe she wasn’t wearing pants. I’d just tortured myself for about a quarter of an hour, felt so upset I thought I might puke, and it wasn’t even real. Fuck.

I was in such rough shape that day I could barely eat, but it was our last day, dammit! Took a bunch of ginger, choked down a protein bar, and snuggled with Flick on the beach bed. We went for a sail with Mal, and the sea breeze felt wonderful. I sat in on the Ending the Sexual Darkage podcast while Flick grabbed lunch. I hadn’t spent nearly as much time as I’d expected to exploring the kinky events during the week, so it was awesome to peek in on that crew and hear some of their stories.

I caught up with Will after the podcast and he invited me back to his room while he checked-in to his flight. We chatted as he did his thing online, talked about a bunch of our experiences during the week, and the various feelings that had been cropping up. Elle popped in to grab gear for the foam party, but he and I decided to stay in. I ended up going back to my room to grab a bottle of massage oil and gave him a massage, then the naked cuddling led to a blow job, and a gentle fuck, since I felt too ill for anything more vigorous.

It was a great way to solidify our connection at the end of the trip, since it had been a couple days since we’d had any one on one time, and I’d finally figured out how essential that is for me to feel secure with a partner. At home I date solo almost exclusively, and all the group sex, though amazing(!!!) is a completely different experience, and I’d been feeling pretty insecure (evidenced by crazytown beginning of that morning).

When we felt up to moving again we grabbed a bite of lunch (food finally seemed like a good plan instead of punishment) and going to the wine social before parting ways for the rest of the day. Feeling more secure, I was almost a person again. I’d survived the worst of the Desire crucible!

Coming up in Part 3 (final part) - More Friday sexytimes, Slave Leia gets funky, and saying goodbye to paradise.

Swinging In Paradise: Desire Recap

Ah, Swingset Takes Desire.  It’s so hard to articulate what an experience it was, even after being home for over a month. I remember reading about last year’s trip before signing on for this year, and thinking it couldn’t really be the life-changing experience people touted it as being. I read the #ssdesire hashtag on Twitter and saw all the people who didn’t want to cut off their wristbands from the resort. ‘It’s just a vacation,’ I thought to myself. ‘Get over it.’

I was that person this year. At the risk of sounding like a shill for the company brand (and I should clarify that I paid the full cost for the vacation myself, not paid/discounted by either Swingset or Desire Resort and Spa), I have to say it’s not just a vacation. It is a life-changing experience.

We’re going again next year.

That is almost entirely due to the people we met. Swingsetters are something special. I had no idea I would be returning home with so many amazing new friends, and some connections that go well into crush/new relationship territory. Until this trip, we’d been poly in theory. Coming out of it, we’re ready to take more steps forward into that relationship style.

There’s really too much to put in a single post, so I’ll focus on a recap of the highlights of the trip. There was so much more learning about myself and Flick, about our relationship, and about our relationships with other partners than I would have ever imagined from a fuckation. But for now, let’s look at all the awesome.

We got in around 10pm the first night, which was tough because we missed all the first night festivities--welcome party, prize giveaways etc. We had a solo, quiet shuttle ride from the airport and I found myself kind of embarrassed to be going to such a place. ‘He knows we’re perverts,’ was the refrain in my head as we got closer and closer to the resort. Once we arrived, we didn’t care anymore. Our wonderful, sexy friends were waiting for us in the restaurant, and we felt extremely special as the concierge personally escorted us to the restaurant to meet them. After a quick kiss and cuddle, we scarfed some dinner before the restaurant closed, dumped our bags in our room, took a few deep breaths, and headed to the hot tub.

I felt a little self-conscious getting nude for the first time, but I saw naked bodies all around me, in all shapes and sizes. I took another deep breath, dropped my wrap, shoved it in a cubby, and headed to the tub, pretending it was the most normal thing in the world to be doing.  I floated over to a group of people and was soon wrapped in the arms of my sexy friend Will, getting introduced around, and making out like crazy because he and I hadn’t seen each other in months.

Flick and I had planned to just go visit for a little while in the tub--we’d been travelling for more than 12 hours on 2 hours sleep--but as soon as Will suggested he and I go play together on one of the nearby beds, I was suddenly energized. I checked in with Flick, who wished us well. There is often talk in hokey romance novels of the world disappearing when lovers kiss, but I have to say, the noise and music of the hot tub area simply vanished while Will and I were getting our sexy on, and it was a bit of a shock to notice it all again when we came up for air.

Will and I returned to the tub for a while and joined in conversations where I got to meet people I’d chatted with in the pre-Desire chats and had perved their pics on Kasidie.com. Several people didn’t recognize me until I introduced myself, which was a good reminder to do so instead of just smiling at people and wondering why they hadn’t said hi.  Still unable to keep our hands off one another, soon enough Will and I needed to return to the beds next to the hot tubs for another round, before more hot tub time and conversation.  Much later than expected, Flick and I headed to our room and slept deservedly well.

We spent the next morning lounging on a beach bed and connected with Peach and Mal, a couple we’d chatted with on Kasidie and were really looking forward to getting to know better. They were super sexy and super geeky, our favourite combination. Will also came by and before we knew it, Will had fetched Elle and the six of us were headed back to Peach and Mal’s room for our first ever orgy. Wheeee! This trip was off to a good start!

The day was full of conversation, sexy and otherwise, laughter, flirting, kissing, frolicking in the ocean, dancing, hot tub. I’d never spent this much time naked in front of people and most of the time, it felt effortless. I had a weird thing where I felt the need to wear clothing, even a fairly sheer wrap, as I went from place to place in the resort, but was fine being naked once I was settled somewhere. Brains are weird.

The next day was more of the same, beach bed, flirting, ocean, kissing, dancing, and a fun group dinner. I’d found my groove. It was so effortless and comfortable to be there. That night I got fingered on the edge of the hot tub by Wes and Will until I overheard people sitting below discussing their fear of getting ‘Gallaghered’ by my ejaculate. Turns out, it is challenging to come back to an orgasm while laughing hysterically at the visual of having to hand out plastic garbage bags to all nearby spectators.  

Flick and I partook in our second ever orgy and I had the pleasure of having the njoy eleven expertly wielded upon my person by Will, while surrounded by Flick, Elle, Wes, and Raina. 4 extra sets of eyes belonging to incredible, sexy people heightening every sensation, and after I’d orgasmed out, we broke into many delightful configurations, ending with me fingering Will to orgasm as the others surrounded, stroked, and sucked him. A perfect bookend to the beginning of the proceedings.

There was a foam party in the pool the next day, which was simultaneously the best and worst time ever. The resort was having trouble with the foam cannon, and must have kept adding more and more detergent because when it finally worked, the foam was thick, toxic, and burning on the eyes. It also created foam so tall that there was a risk of drowning or suffocation. We solved the problem (somewhat) with much ridiculous bouncing, and best-thing-ever three-way makeout sessions that created perfect pockets of air that felt happy and safe until you broke away and realized you were suffocating in foam. Still, much laughter and fun, and sexy slippery times ensued.  

We danced a bunch to the lobby band that evening, having a great time until I experienced my one and only moment on non-consensual touch when a drunken Swingsetter stroked my pasty-covered nipple without seeking permission. My nipples are a real red flag zone for me so that was especially not okay. He looked shocked and chagrined by my strong response, but later, I found myself beating myself up for not stopping him, instead of being angry for him assuming that I would stop him if I wasn’t okay with it. Enthusiastic yesses are what’s required for consent, not expecting someone to stop you if they don’t want the touch. That singular event was the only time I was touched without permission all week, which speaks to the overall awesomeness of Swingsetters and how clearly the message of the importance of consent has been embraced by the community as a whole. Celebrating not receiving bad touch says something about how messed up ideas of consent are in general society, but that’s a whole other topic.

That night brought the high school play party, which started out well for us, but quickly went downhill. You can read all the details in Swinging in the Deep End.

Coming up in Part Two: three person handjob, the live Life on the Swingset podcast, phone photo misinterpretation drama, my first time as a unicorn, using my words, more sexy shenanigans, and painful goodbyes.

Swinging in the Deep End - Learning Boundaries

One of the events I was most excited for at the Swingset Takes Desire was the High School Play Party. We’ve been to a few swinger events at local clubs, but have not yet met a crew of people who do play parties the way my friends in other cities have described them. Adding the element of the high school games like spin the bottle was a fun twist and we were down to get down. The rules were first bottle match meant chaste mouth kiss, second match was frenching, third match you went into the shower stall near the hot tub for ‘7 minutes in heaven’. Either party had the option to refuse at any time.

The game started with a medium crowd of people, with all of whom I had either already established a sexual relationship or at least an intense flirt that I was happy to have lead somewhere more physical. As the bottle spun, I got the chance to smooch a few people I hadn’t had the chance to put the moves on yet, and it was a fun, light way to have that happen.  The fact that I happened to be sitting in a spot that the bottle favoured due to the uneven tile floor... no complaints from me.

A few more people joined and after some dissatisfaction about the chaste kissing part, and that the game was moving too slowly, it was decided that we needed to up the ante so that the first kiss was frenching and then straight to the shower. It was a still a small enough crowd that I could go for that, and when Flick made my dream come true by frenching one of the other hot guys on a first match, I was in my happy place.  I was so impressed by the guys in the game either kissing one another or opting out, without any ridiculous chest pounding or making a big deal over it.

The group grew larger a few more times and it got to the point where I no longer knew everyone in the crowd. Since we were merely at kissing, I was perfectly happy to give and accept kisses, even if that was essentially my first introduction to someone.

Everything changed when the ‘7 minutes in heaven’ started.

When I looked up to see oral sex happening in the shower as the immediate step after frenching, my stomach dropped and panic began to set in. I am exceptionally naïve to have imagined there would be making out, maybe some grinding as the next step. Admittedly, the people in the shower were people who had already established sexual connections, and so it made complete sense for them to go right to a more advanced level, but it was setting a precedent for those of us watching. Even if the players in heaven had been out of sight, so we only had to wonder what they were up to, it would have been okay, but I felt sick dread, rather than sexy fun as I watched.

If the group had remained with the initial, smaller crew, I likely would have been willing to step out of my comfort zone a bit, but as things progressed, all I could think was that I was either going to have to blow someone I didn’t know/didn’t have chemistry with, or have to reject someone rather publicly and have it be this whole awkward awful thing. I knew that I had every right to say no at anytime to anyone, but it was a different situation than someone approaching me at an event and me saying, ‘no thank you’ to their advances. This would be everyone in a large group watching me say, ‘no thank you’ and potentially humiliating a really delightful person I felt a friendship connection with.  This was a high school play party, but I didn’t want to be the person sending someone back to that terrible time by turning them down in front of all their friends.

I mentioned my fears to the sexy friend in the seat next to me and he was on the same page, so at least I knew I was not alone. I tried to figure out a clever code phrase to say to Flick, but ended up just asking him to come talk to me away from the group. He felt exactly the same way I did, so we decided to opt out and leave the party. We bade our surprised friends goodnight in a rather sudden way and headed back to our room.

Leaving felt like a shitty option too, because we’d been so excited for a night of play with the people we wanted to play with. There are only so many nights at Desire, so missing out on one of them sucked. And we probably could have just gone into the hot tub for a while and popped back in on the party when the dynamic changed, but I knew I’d be overly conscious of the laughter and ruckus from fun and games we were missing out on.  Leaving was the best bad decision we could make.

We spent a couple hours lying in our bed chatting and processing, and trying to figure out what we could have done differently, but couldn’t come up with anything. We were simply out of our depths in the situation and leaving before one of us did something we really regretted was the only call.  I suppose it was a good opportunity to learn a hard boundary for us. We’re just not open to play with people unless we’re really into them, and we’d rather give up the potential sexy connection with people we are into than do something we’d rather not with those we don’t know or feel chemistry with.

Another fucking opportunity for growth, as they say. It would just be nice if doing the right thing actually felt good.