After three weeks of total radio silence from The Pup, I received an apology text saying he was sorry he'd disappeared so suddenly, but he'd been caught up in his parents' divorce drama and he'd gone to a dark place, but if I was willing, he'd like to start seeing each other again.
Well fuck.
There's a part of me that had been hoping for exactly that kind of message since he first vanished. Something that assured me that it wasn't in fact that I'm too ____ or not ____ enough for him to want to continue our relationship. We'd had such a great connection and I definitely want that -- and the awesome sex that came with -- back, but I'm also someone who has let others walk all over me in the past and I don't want to let myself get back into that sort of situation.
I also worry whether he has the kind of emotional maturity to be in the kind of FWB situation I'm looking for if got so fucked up by family drama that he couldn't thumb the words 'thank you' in response to a text wishing him a happy birthday. I was his age when my dad died from cancer and I didn't shut down and block people from my life.
So I told him I'd think about it and that I'd been really hurt by the way he treated me. He apologized, admitted his mistake, and said he misses me. Double fuck. This would be so much easier if he were an asshole and could just write him off. It does speak to his character that he did have the ovaries to send me a message, though. He could have just left it be. I'm sure that getting back in my pussy is a pretty strong motivator, but I could have reacted really angrily to him and he was willing to put himself in front of that potential rage bomb.
After a night of pondering and a very sweaty morning yoga class, I decided to give him another shot. I messaged him to tell him that I'm game but that he's going to have to prove his emotional maturity and offer of friendship before things get sexual between us again. He has agreed so we'll see how it goes.
If nothing else, I practiced demanding respect and consideration, which isn't a muscle I exercise often. And if all goes well, I'll have my fun fuck buddy back. Plus, I finally have an answer to that big, fat WHY?
Sunday, 31 May 2015
Monday, 18 May 2015
The Pup Part Two: Headgames and Heartbreak
I knew developing feelings for people was a risk I was taking when we opened things up, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly, or that those feelings would be for someone who would, unexpectedly and (seemingly) out of character, treat me cruelly.
I'd really been hoping when I wrote the last post that all my weird insecurities and fears that The Pup was doing 'the fadeaway' despite his assertions to the contrary were in my imagination. When I mentioned his decreased communication, he apologized, promised to improve, then stopped messaging all together.
*sigh*
I just don't get it. If he decided he wasn't interested in me, I don't understand why he wouldn't simply tell me and cut it off cleanly. His last message to me was, "Ooh, I'd love that" when I mentioned getting together when he was finished his exams. I sent him two more texts after that, one congratulating him for being done with his exams, then one a few days later wishing him a Happy Birthday. Nothing.
By the time I sent the Birthday message, I was pretty sure it was done. It had been 5 days since his last confusingly-enthusiastic message, but I was finally coming to terms with believing his actions rather than his words. As an anxious person, I really try to take people at their words because I can't always trust my interpretation of actions. Someone glances at me, I think they're judging me and finding me wanting. Someone doesn't seem as excited to hear from me as I'm expecting, I assume they dislike me. I know I have a warped sense of people's responses to me, so I tend to believe words. When the words are running really contrary to actions, it really fucks with me.
I decided to be classy, despite wanting to send a 'What the absolute fuck?" message, and I sent him a text wishing him Happy Birthday, said it had been nice getting to know him, and wished him the best for the future.
Nothing.
I guess I shouldn't have expected a response. When you cut off contact with someone, you cut off contact, but there was no discernible reason to do so, so I kept racking my brain to figure out what I'd done wrong. Of course, my brain being the hyper-critical place it is, I was able to come up with everything I'd said and done since we'd met as a reason for why he'd dump me without notice.
It's especially shitty because I'd totally fallen for him. He'd seemed so nice, so genuine, so geeky - all the things that normally signify a good guy. He had a cat. He volunteered with troubled teens. How could he end up being the kind of guy who would just brick wall me? How could he not respect me enough to just tell me he didn't want to see me anymore?
How am I not worth a couple words in a text message?
That final question is really what has caused me the most distress over the past few weeks as I grappled with having my heart broken by someone for the first time in over 20 years (who didn't die or move away). I went from the high of feeling like this awesome, sexy, desirable, confident older woman that he should feel lucky to get to be with to a piece of discarded trash, unworthy of respect or consideration, even from a 'nice' guy.
I was pretty shattered and sank into a fairly dark funk that I'm only now crawling out of - the timing of everything paired with the anniversary of my mother's death and mother's day back to back to back really adding to the pain and despair. I've felt really guilty as well, since my husband has had to be witness to my heartbreak over another guy. It's been hard to talk about it with him, yet he's the person I go to when I'm in pain and need to talk. One of the weirdest parts of this style of relationship.
I'm back on the dating horse (only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Amirite?) I've chatted with a few people and even slept with one of them, though I have to confess that our connection was nothing like what I'd had with the pup. Eventually, I will stop comparing people to him and the feeling of loss will fade.
I know that it will just take some time, and that even if I had an answer to my 'But Why????', I might like it even less than the stuff I've come up with. It's still exceedingly difficult not to keep thinking it would be better if I only knew why.
I'd really been hoping when I wrote the last post that all my weird insecurities and fears that The Pup was doing 'the fadeaway' despite his assertions to the contrary were in my imagination. When I mentioned his decreased communication, he apologized, promised to improve, then stopped messaging all together.
*sigh*
I just don't get it. If he decided he wasn't interested in me, I don't understand why he wouldn't simply tell me and cut it off cleanly. His last message to me was, "Ooh, I'd love that" when I mentioned getting together when he was finished his exams. I sent him two more texts after that, one congratulating him for being done with his exams, then one a few days later wishing him a Happy Birthday. Nothing.
By the time I sent the Birthday message, I was pretty sure it was done. It had been 5 days since his last confusingly-enthusiastic message, but I was finally coming to terms with believing his actions rather than his words. As an anxious person, I really try to take people at their words because I can't always trust my interpretation of actions. Someone glances at me, I think they're judging me and finding me wanting. Someone doesn't seem as excited to hear from me as I'm expecting, I assume they dislike me. I know I have a warped sense of people's responses to me, so I tend to believe words. When the words are running really contrary to actions, it really fucks with me.
I decided to be classy, despite wanting to send a 'What the absolute fuck?" message, and I sent him a text wishing him Happy Birthday, said it had been nice getting to know him, and wished him the best for the future.
Nothing.
I guess I shouldn't have expected a response. When you cut off contact with someone, you cut off contact, but there was no discernible reason to do so, so I kept racking my brain to figure out what I'd done wrong. Of course, my brain being the hyper-critical place it is, I was able to come up with everything I'd said and done since we'd met as a reason for why he'd dump me without notice.
It's especially shitty because I'd totally fallen for him. He'd seemed so nice, so genuine, so geeky - all the things that normally signify a good guy. He had a cat. He volunteered with troubled teens. How could he end up being the kind of guy who would just brick wall me? How could he not respect me enough to just tell me he didn't want to see me anymore?
How am I not worth a couple words in a text message?
That final question is really what has caused me the most distress over the past few weeks as I grappled with having my heart broken by someone for the first time in over 20 years (who didn't die or move away). I went from the high of feeling like this awesome, sexy, desirable, confident older woman that he should feel lucky to get to be with to a piece of discarded trash, unworthy of respect or consideration, even from a 'nice' guy.
I was pretty shattered and sank into a fairly dark funk that I'm only now crawling out of - the timing of everything paired with the anniversary of my mother's death and mother's day back to back to back really adding to the pain and despair. I've felt really guilty as well, since my husband has had to be witness to my heartbreak over another guy. It's been hard to talk about it with him, yet he's the person I go to when I'm in pain and need to talk. One of the weirdest parts of this style of relationship.
I'm back on the dating horse (only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Amirite?) I've chatted with a few people and even slept with one of them, though I have to confess that our connection was nothing like what I'd had with the pup. Eventually, I will stop comparing people to him and the feeling of loss will fade.
I know that it will just take some time, and that even if I had an answer to my 'But Why????', I might like it even less than the stuff I've come up with. It's still exceedingly difficult not to keep thinking it would be better if I only knew why.
Tuesday, 5 May 2015
The Pup
I started chatting with a young guy (26 to my 41!) from okcupid after he messaged me. He's a fellow geek and we had a ton to chat about which made it easy. He's definitely got a thing for older women and since I seem to have a thing for younger guys, it worked out well. We texted like mad for about two weeks before we were able to hook up. Finding time that wasn't already booked with other social activities was tricky enough, coupled with needing to find time when my husband was off at other activities so he didn't feel displaced from the house for my dates.
During those two weeks my ego received a delightful stroking. He was so eager. Constantly talking about how he couldn't wait for it to be the day we'd planned to meet up. We chatted and sexted and exchanged photos. He even sent me video of him jacking off and coming, which I find ridiculously hot. My husband and I started calling him 'the pup' when I first started chatting with him (a reference to a hated nickname my husband had been given by one of her other boyfriends when he was 19 and dating a much older woman), but it turned out to be a surprisingly accurate for my new beau.
I'd attempted to scare him off with really detailed descriptions of our other activities. He'd never been in a non-monogamous relationship and I wasn't sure he could handle it up close, but he just thought my descriptions of other partners and encounters were hot. He even talked me through my nerves before a date with another guy when I started freaking out and considered cancelling - It's going to be great. You're going to have such a good time. He's gonna fuck you so good. At that point, I was kind of smitten.
When we first started chatting, I was worried about him being insecure, but as he got comfortable, he got confident, going as far as to ask me to greet him at the door for our first hook-up totally naked. I ovaried-up and did so. It was pretty exhilarating. He's really skilled as well - maybe a little chintzy with the oral the first time round but we'd engaged in two weeks of foreplay so I don't blame him - we've had great sex together. Really. Great. Sex.
It's after the sex that things get weird. He doesn't want to stick around for long, which I hear is a typical guy thing, but I'm used to the lingering chatting of swingers after the fact. I didn't ever have casual sex when I was young so I've never experienced a guy wanting to run out the door to go get Subway when the fucking is done. I know different orgasm hormones do different things to the male brain after sex but I'm still there, sexy and naked, it seems like it should be worth sticking around a while for. He doesn't text for a few days, when I'm also used to the swinger messages the day after mentioning how much fun we've had. I've ended up texting him, because I refuse to be all idle and passive, but there's that stupid Cinderella part of my brain that wants him still chasing me.
I've been so socialized to follow the fiercely engrained, patriarchal bullshit script that tells me the only way I have value is if I'm being pursued and if I give up that role, no one will want me. Yet it's the powerful, confident, take-what-I-want woman I am that attracts people to me. Strangely, I can be the powerful me during the pursuit and sex, but the passive, insecure me pops up once the afterglow wears off.
I'm hoping it's just part of the learning-curve, since I'm so new to the sluttery thing. I've been operating under the MO of pretending like all is normal and simply texting him, but the post-coital distance has been harder on me than I'd like it to be. I'm probably going to have to ovary-up in this arena as well and simply tell partners what I need/expect after the fact.
Dammit! I signed up for cock, not personal growth!
During those two weeks my ego received a delightful stroking. He was so eager. Constantly talking about how he couldn't wait for it to be the day we'd planned to meet up. We chatted and sexted and exchanged photos. He even sent me video of him jacking off and coming, which I find ridiculously hot. My husband and I started calling him 'the pup' when I first started chatting with him (a reference to a hated nickname my husband had been given by one of her other boyfriends when he was 19 and dating a much older woman), but it turned out to be a surprisingly accurate for my new beau.
I'd attempted to scare him off with really detailed descriptions of our other activities. He'd never been in a non-monogamous relationship and I wasn't sure he could handle it up close, but he just thought my descriptions of other partners and encounters were hot. He even talked me through my nerves before a date with another guy when I started freaking out and considered cancelling - It's going to be great. You're going to have such a good time. He's gonna fuck you so good. At that point, I was kind of smitten.
When we first started chatting, I was worried about him being insecure, but as he got comfortable, he got confident, going as far as to ask me to greet him at the door for our first hook-up totally naked. I ovaried-up and did so. It was pretty exhilarating. He's really skilled as well - maybe a little chintzy with the oral the first time round but we'd engaged in two weeks of foreplay so I don't blame him - we've had great sex together. Really. Great. Sex.
It's after the sex that things get weird. He doesn't want to stick around for long, which I hear is a typical guy thing, but I'm used to the lingering chatting of swingers after the fact. I didn't ever have casual sex when I was young so I've never experienced a guy wanting to run out the door to go get Subway when the fucking is done. I know different orgasm hormones do different things to the male brain after sex but I'm still there, sexy and naked, it seems like it should be worth sticking around a while for. He doesn't text for a few days, when I'm also used to the swinger messages the day after mentioning how much fun we've had. I've ended up texting him, because I refuse to be all idle and passive, but there's that stupid Cinderella part of my brain that wants him still chasing me.
I've been so socialized to follow the fiercely engrained, patriarchal bullshit script that tells me the only way I have value is if I'm being pursued and if I give up that role, no one will want me. Yet it's the powerful, confident, take-what-I-want woman I am that attracts people to me. Strangely, I can be the powerful me during the pursuit and sex, but the passive, insecure me pops up once the afterglow wears off.
I'm hoping it's just part of the learning-curve, since I'm so new to the sluttery thing. I've been operating under the MO of pretending like all is normal and simply texting him, but the post-coital distance has been harder on me than I'd like it to be. I'm probably going to have to ovary-up in this arena as well and simply tell partners what I need/expect after the fact.
Dammit! I signed up for cock, not personal growth!
Sunday, 19 April 2015
Den of Pleasure
Went to a really fun night at Club 8x6 downtown. I've been wanting to check out that space for a long time, and although it wasn't one of their regular nights, I was happy to at least know where it is now. It was run by Den of Pleasure, which is a local swinger BDSM group. They're explicitly pansexual, which I really appreciate, since I know a lot of swinger groups/venues seem to think only women should have varying gender appetites.
I got to wear my new latex buckle dress, which I feel so scorchingly sexy in (also literally hot since latex doesn't breathe and I felt the sweat pouring down the backs of my legs all night). I'm not able to wear panties under the dress, so there's an added naughtiness to being there in micro-short skirt, knowing everything is barely covered. My sweetie looked amazing in some shiny vinyl pants and a sleeveless hoodie. The outfit plus the guyliner I love to see him in gave him such a sexy 'rent boy' vibe and I was going rather crazy over how hot he looked all night.
We met up with another couple we've played and hung out with before, had a few drinks, and danced for a few hours (through the course of which I managed to not only drop my own cup, but knock TWO other cups out of people's hands onto the dance floor!!!).
We sat on a bench in the dungeon play area when they welcomed people to come watch a scene. A lovely, plump, sub woman knelt over a spanking bench while her (incredibly rotund and wearing an Hawaiian shirt) Dom worked her over. They were beautiful to watch. Really connected. The Dom was tender but really giving her what she needed.
We got pretty hot from this and it took nothing to just spread my legs so my sweetie could simply slip his fingers into me. So hot! The sub was watching this happen in front of her and smiled up at us. Our friends were still dancing and would peek through the curtain at us every now and then, which just made it hotter, made me spread wider. The scene and our exploration progressed: my hand in his pants, him laying me back to get his mouth on me, me sucking him off until I couldn't wait anymore and climbed aboard to ride him there and then.
I was clearly lost to my own world by that point because it wasn't until we finished that I realized the scene had ended and people had moved on to other parts of the club - though we'd definitely had a few remaining watchers. We cleaned up, got some water, perved on what was happening in a few other areas, danced like cheeseballs to 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' (we were the only ones on the dance floor by this point), and headed to the change room to call it a night.
We were getting our gear together when an attractive man approached us and started chatting, having been watching us dance. We weren't up for sticking around, but gave him our card, and now we have a drinks date with him next week.
I got to wear my new latex buckle dress, which I feel so scorchingly sexy in (also literally hot since latex doesn't breathe and I felt the sweat pouring down the backs of my legs all night). I'm not able to wear panties under the dress, so there's an added naughtiness to being there in micro-short skirt, knowing everything is barely covered. My sweetie looked amazing in some shiny vinyl pants and a sleeveless hoodie. The outfit plus the guyliner I love to see him in gave him such a sexy 'rent boy' vibe and I was going rather crazy over how hot he looked all night.
We met up with another couple we've played and hung out with before, had a few drinks, and danced for a few hours (through the course of which I managed to not only drop my own cup, but knock TWO other cups out of people's hands onto the dance floor!!!).
We sat on a bench in the dungeon play area when they welcomed people to come watch a scene. A lovely, plump, sub woman knelt over a spanking bench while her (incredibly rotund and wearing an Hawaiian shirt) Dom worked her over. They were beautiful to watch. Really connected. The Dom was tender but really giving her what she needed.
We got pretty hot from this and it took nothing to just spread my legs so my sweetie could simply slip his fingers into me. So hot! The sub was watching this happen in front of her and smiled up at us. Our friends were still dancing and would peek through the curtain at us every now and then, which just made it hotter, made me spread wider. The scene and our exploration progressed: my hand in his pants, him laying me back to get his mouth on me, me sucking him off until I couldn't wait anymore and climbed aboard to ride him there and then.
I was clearly lost to my own world by that point because it wasn't until we finished that I realized the scene had ended and people had moved on to other parts of the club - though we'd definitely had a few remaining watchers. We cleaned up, got some water, perved on what was happening in a few other areas, danced like cheeseballs to 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' (we were the only ones on the dance floor by this point), and headed to the change room to call it a night.
We were getting our gear together when an attractive man approached us and started chatting, having been watching us dance. We weren't up for sticking around, but gave him our card, and now we have a drinks date with him next week.
Thursday, 9 April 2015
Solo Sex Date
After meeting a guy on okcupid a few weeks earlier, we scheduled a hook-up date, which then got bumped and rescheduled, and then shortened because his wife was going to be home earlier than she'd initially thought (it had seemed easier to date other non-monogamous married people in theory, but scheduling and finding private time when you haven't got your own place is pretty tricky).
In some ways it was easier, because there wasn't that awkward time of staring at each other wondering when you're going to get to the sexin'. "You're here. Shall we get naked?" Music to my anxious ears.
It was a little strange - good strange - to be alone with a guy after having only done the group sex swinging-style play so far. I love love love the hedonistic thrill of multiple bodies on the bed, but it was really satisfying and intimate to focus my attention on one person without having to think of who else I should be pleasing at any given moment.
Had a really great time together overall. We really clicked and connected. Had an amazing moment where he picked me up and tossed me onto the bed. I didn't know that would be something I'd like, but I definitely did. There was one misstep where I didn't advocate for my boundaries strongly enough, but that was a valuable lesson learned. Also, PSA to anyone out there who does penetrating: someone consenting to anal play is not consenting to anal sex. Two VERY different things. We bounced back from that unfortunate moment, though, and continued on with the fun.
We've seen each other socially and casually since then. Schedules haven't permitted another hook-up, but it seems like there's a good friendship building between the 4 of us, and perhaps some couples playtime in the future.
In some ways it was easier, because there wasn't that awkward time of staring at each other wondering when you're going to get to the sexin'. "You're here. Shall we get naked?" Music to my anxious ears.
It was a little strange - good strange - to be alone with a guy after having only done the group sex swinging-style play so far. I love love love the hedonistic thrill of multiple bodies on the bed, but it was really satisfying and intimate to focus my attention on one person without having to think of who else I should be pleasing at any given moment.
Had a really great time together overall. We really clicked and connected. Had an amazing moment where he picked me up and tossed me onto the bed. I didn't know that would be something I'd like, but I definitely did. There was one misstep where I didn't advocate for my boundaries strongly enough, but that was a valuable lesson learned. Also, PSA to anyone out there who does penetrating: someone consenting to anal play is not consenting to anal sex. Two VERY different things. We bounced back from that unfortunate moment, though, and continued on with the fun.
We've seen each other socially and casually since then. Schedules haven't permitted another hook-up, but it seems like there's a good friendship building between the 4 of us, and perhaps some couples playtime in the future.
Monday, 6 April 2015
The new Birthday Tradition
Celebrated my sweetie's birthday with what should become the new norm for birthday celebrations - a threesome. We had the lovely friend with whom we enjoyed our first ever threesome a few months ago come over to our place and we feted (and fellated) my beloved with style. I'm still walking a little funny.
I hadn't been entirely sure we were compatible during our first time out, but my husband is really into her, so I decided to give it another chance. I think it had just been nerves all round the first time because we were all much more relaxed and the three of us definitely clicked really well.
It was kind of funny and awkward because we had a house guest in from out of town and we had to kick him out for the night with the weakest excuse and lack of explanation about conflicting requests for a place to stay. If he didn't see through us, he's not as smart as I thought. Thankfully, I overheard the excuse my sweetie gave him and didn't give a completely different lie since we didn't think to get our stories straight. Our house guest was at a conference and happy enough to get a hotel room downtown for the night so he could stay out late getting rowdy so it worked out fine. We put fresh sheets on the big bed once he was gone and made sure all the supplies were close at hand.
I got to try out performing oral sex with a dental dam since she'd gotten her period suddenly and unexpectedly that afternoon. I used the tips I'd read in various books - lube on the underside for her, stretch it out, go to town! - and it worked really well. I also got fuck her with a strap-on, which has been a fantasy since I bought my (never-used) harness over a dozen years ago (my sweetie and I are working up to the other thing I'm really hoping to use my strap-on for).
It was so crazy-hot. I felt really fucking hot and powerful with my harness and dick, and she was really into it. Looking down into her eyes while I thrust into her was pretty wild, and it's making me feel pretty tingly to recall. She seemed to think that I was pretty good at it and, despite the incredibly sore, tiny, also never-used-like-this thrusting muscles in my groin, I'd love to try it again. I was really hoping that my husband would be able to fuck me at the same time but we couldn't make angles work. Still, all kinds of success.
I really liked watching them fuck as well. I really didn't know when we started this crazy thing if I was going to be as cool with seeing my husband with another woman as I thought I'd be, and it turns out I am. It's really hot. I ended up fucking myself with a toy as I watched them together and it may have been as hot as anything else we did that night.
She and I worked him over pretty well as well. One of his fantasies was two women blowing him at once and we made that happen quite a lot. He was on a different plane by the time we finally made him come and I felt really great about the whole evening.
We finished off sipping wine and eating two-bite brownies, discussing bed sizes and coming to the decision that California Kings are for exceptionally tall people, or people in 24-7 power exchanges who let their slave Rufus sleep across the foot of the bed, but only if he's good (otherwise he has to sleep on his mat on the floor), before I slipped off to our bed, leaving the two of them to cuddle for a while before he joined me to sleep.
I can't wait to find out who we're going to get to join us for MY birthday...
I hadn't been entirely sure we were compatible during our first time out, but my husband is really into her, so I decided to give it another chance. I think it had just been nerves all round the first time because we were all much more relaxed and the three of us definitely clicked really well.
It was kind of funny and awkward because we had a house guest in from out of town and we had to kick him out for the night with the weakest excuse and lack of explanation about conflicting requests for a place to stay. If he didn't see through us, he's not as smart as I thought. Thankfully, I overheard the excuse my sweetie gave him and didn't give a completely different lie since we didn't think to get our stories straight. Our house guest was at a conference and happy enough to get a hotel room downtown for the night so he could stay out late getting rowdy so it worked out fine. We put fresh sheets on the big bed once he was gone and made sure all the supplies were close at hand.
I got to try out performing oral sex with a dental dam since she'd gotten her period suddenly and unexpectedly that afternoon. I used the tips I'd read in various books - lube on the underside for her, stretch it out, go to town! - and it worked really well. I also got fuck her with a strap-on, which has been a fantasy since I bought my (never-used) harness over a dozen years ago (my sweetie and I are working up to the other thing I'm really hoping to use my strap-on for).
It was so crazy-hot. I felt really fucking hot and powerful with my harness and dick, and she was really into it. Looking down into her eyes while I thrust into her was pretty wild, and it's making me feel pretty tingly to recall. She seemed to think that I was pretty good at it and, despite the incredibly sore, tiny, also never-used-like-this thrusting muscles in my groin, I'd love to try it again. I was really hoping that my husband would be able to fuck me at the same time but we couldn't make angles work. Still, all kinds of success.
I really liked watching them fuck as well. I really didn't know when we started this crazy thing if I was going to be as cool with seeing my husband with another woman as I thought I'd be, and it turns out I am. It's really hot. I ended up fucking myself with a toy as I watched them together and it may have been as hot as anything else we did that night.
She and I worked him over pretty well as well. One of his fantasies was two women blowing him at once and we made that happen quite a lot. He was on a different plane by the time we finally made him come and I felt really great about the whole evening.
We finished off sipping wine and eating two-bite brownies, discussing bed sizes and coming to the decision that California Kings are for exceptionally tall people, or people in 24-7 power exchanges who let their slave Rufus sleep across the foot of the bed, but only if he's good (otherwise he has to sleep on his mat on the floor), before I slipped off to our bed, leaving the two of them to cuddle for a while before he joined me to sleep.
I can't wait to find out who we're going to get to join us for MY birthday...
Thursday, 2 April 2015
Rejection Suxxor
Went on a date on Tuesday with a woman from okcupid, and although we had a nice time chatting, I could tell by the end of the date as we said goodbye that she really wasn't feeling it. We hugged and as she was unlocking her bike, I mentioned that we could get together again and she said, "Yeah," in this really strained, high-pitched voice and I realized that she was saying all kind of no.
I attempted to shrug it off as I walked away, though I was pretty embarrassed and got a little teary-eyed under my sunglasses. I mean, there were a lot of things that likely wouldn't have made us compatible, but it still sucks to be judged as wanting by a potential partner. She was really pretty and I had a good time chatting with her, but I often talk too much when I'm nervous, and I'm guessing that was off-putting.
I've never actually dated a woman, and don't have any idea of how to do it, either, so it's probably all for the best, but rejection sucks, even if (and possibly more so when) you're not sure you wanted the person who's rejecting you.
After a couple days, just to make sure it wasn't my anxiety telling me lies, I wrote her a text to check in. I told her that I'd enjoyed meeting her, but got the sense at the end of our date that she wasn't feeling it. I wished her the all the best, if that were the case. She answered nicely, but admitted she hadn't felt any chemistry. She ended the text with 'Good Luck.'
Now, I'm sure she meant that in the nicest possible way, but my brain quickly converted those harmless, possibly kind words to read: 'Good luck finding anyone who'd want you.'
It rattled me more than I expected and I had to stop myself from tearing up again at work. Admittedly, tears are my first reaction to any intense emotion, but it seemed so silly to be crying over someone I wasn't sure I was into.
Blargh.
Hopefully that thicker skin is coming in the mail any day from Amazon.
I attempted to shrug it off as I walked away, though I was pretty embarrassed and got a little teary-eyed under my sunglasses. I mean, there were a lot of things that likely wouldn't have made us compatible, but it still sucks to be judged as wanting by a potential partner. She was really pretty and I had a good time chatting with her, but I often talk too much when I'm nervous, and I'm guessing that was off-putting.
I've never actually dated a woman, and don't have any idea of how to do it, either, so it's probably all for the best, but rejection sucks, even if (and possibly more so when) you're not sure you wanted the person who's rejecting you.
After a couple days, just to make sure it wasn't my anxiety telling me lies, I wrote her a text to check in. I told her that I'd enjoyed meeting her, but got the sense at the end of our date that she wasn't feeling it. I wished her the all the best, if that were the case. She answered nicely, but admitted she hadn't felt any chemistry. She ended the text with 'Good Luck.'
Now, I'm sure she meant that in the nicest possible way, but my brain quickly converted those harmless, possibly kind words to read: 'Good luck finding anyone who'd want you.'
It rattled me more than I expected and I had to stop myself from tearing up again at work. Admittedly, tears are my first reaction to any intense emotion, but it seemed so silly to be crying over someone I wasn't sure I was into.
Blargh.
Hopefully that thicker skin is coming in the mail any day from Amazon.
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