After three weeks of total radio silence from The Pup, I received an apology text saying he was sorry he'd disappeared so suddenly, but he'd been caught up in his parents' divorce drama and he'd gone to a dark place, but if I was willing, he'd like to start seeing each other again.
Well fuck.
There's a part of me that had been hoping for exactly that kind of message since he first vanished. Something that assured me that it wasn't in fact that I'm too ____ or not ____ enough for him to want to continue our relationship. We'd had such a great connection and I definitely want that -- and the awesome sex that came with -- back, but I'm also someone who has let others walk all over me in the past and I don't want to let myself get back into that sort of situation.
I also worry whether he has the kind of emotional maturity to be in the kind of FWB situation I'm looking for if got so fucked up by family drama that he couldn't thumb the words 'thank you' in response to a text wishing him a happy birthday. I was his age when my dad died from cancer and I didn't shut down and block people from my life.
So I told him I'd think about it and that I'd been really hurt by the way he treated me. He apologized, admitted his mistake, and said he misses me. Double fuck. This would be so much easier if he were an asshole and could just write him off. It does speak to his character that he did have the ovaries to send me a message, though. He could have just left it be. I'm sure that getting back in my pussy is a pretty strong motivator, but I could have reacted really angrily to him and he was willing to put himself in front of that potential rage bomb.
After a night of pondering and a very sweaty morning yoga class, I decided to give him another shot. I messaged him to tell him that I'm game but that he's going to have to prove his emotional maturity and offer of friendship before things get sexual between us again. He has agreed so we'll see how it goes.
If nothing else, I practiced demanding respect and consideration, which isn't a muscle I exercise often. And if all goes well, I'll have my fun fuck buddy back. Plus, I finally have an answer to that big, fat WHY?
Sunday 31 May 2015
Monday 18 May 2015
The Pup Part Two: Headgames and Heartbreak
I knew developing feelings for people was a risk I was taking when we opened things up, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly, or that those feelings would be for someone who would, unexpectedly and (seemingly) out of character, treat me cruelly.
I'd really been hoping when I wrote the last post that all my weird insecurities and fears that The Pup was doing 'the fadeaway' despite his assertions to the contrary were in my imagination. When I mentioned his decreased communication, he apologized, promised to improve, then stopped messaging all together.
*sigh*
I just don't get it. If he decided he wasn't interested in me, I don't understand why he wouldn't simply tell me and cut it off cleanly. His last message to me was, "Ooh, I'd love that" when I mentioned getting together when he was finished his exams. I sent him two more texts after that, one congratulating him for being done with his exams, then one a few days later wishing him a Happy Birthday. Nothing.
By the time I sent the Birthday message, I was pretty sure it was done. It had been 5 days since his last confusingly-enthusiastic message, but I was finally coming to terms with believing his actions rather than his words. As an anxious person, I really try to take people at their words because I can't always trust my interpretation of actions. Someone glances at me, I think they're judging me and finding me wanting. Someone doesn't seem as excited to hear from me as I'm expecting, I assume they dislike me. I know I have a warped sense of people's responses to me, so I tend to believe words. When the words are running really contrary to actions, it really fucks with me.
I decided to be classy, despite wanting to send a 'What the absolute fuck?" message, and I sent him a text wishing him Happy Birthday, said it had been nice getting to know him, and wished him the best for the future.
Nothing.
I guess I shouldn't have expected a response. When you cut off contact with someone, you cut off contact, but there was no discernible reason to do so, so I kept racking my brain to figure out what I'd done wrong. Of course, my brain being the hyper-critical place it is, I was able to come up with everything I'd said and done since we'd met as a reason for why he'd dump me without notice.
It's especially shitty because I'd totally fallen for him. He'd seemed so nice, so genuine, so geeky - all the things that normally signify a good guy. He had a cat. He volunteered with troubled teens. How could he end up being the kind of guy who would just brick wall me? How could he not respect me enough to just tell me he didn't want to see me anymore?
How am I not worth a couple words in a text message?
That final question is really what has caused me the most distress over the past few weeks as I grappled with having my heart broken by someone for the first time in over 20 years (who didn't die or move away). I went from the high of feeling like this awesome, sexy, desirable, confident older woman that he should feel lucky to get to be with to a piece of discarded trash, unworthy of respect or consideration, even from a 'nice' guy.
I was pretty shattered and sank into a fairly dark funk that I'm only now crawling out of - the timing of everything paired with the anniversary of my mother's death and mother's day back to back to back really adding to the pain and despair. I've felt really guilty as well, since my husband has had to be witness to my heartbreak over another guy. It's been hard to talk about it with him, yet he's the person I go to when I'm in pain and need to talk. One of the weirdest parts of this style of relationship.
I'm back on the dating horse (only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Amirite?) I've chatted with a few people and even slept with one of them, though I have to confess that our connection was nothing like what I'd had with the pup. Eventually, I will stop comparing people to him and the feeling of loss will fade.
I know that it will just take some time, and that even if I had an answer to my 'But Why????', I might like it even less than the stuff I've come up with. It's still exceedingly difficult not to keep thinking it would be better if I only knew why.
I'd really been hoping when I wrote the last post that all my weird insecurities and fears that The Pup was doing 'the fadeaway' despite his assertions to the contrary were in my imagination. When I mentioned his decreased communication, he apologized, promised to improve, then stopped messaging all together.
*sigh*
I just don't get it. If he decided he wasn't interested in me, I don't understand why he wouldn't simply tell me and cut it off cleanly. His last message to me was, "Ooh, I'd love that" when I mentioned getting together when he was finished his exams. I sent him two more texts after that, one congratulating him for being done with his exams, then one a few days later wishing him a Happy Birthday. Nothing.
By the time I sent the Birthday message, I was pretty sure it was done. It had been 5 days since his last confusingly-enthusiastic message, but I was finally coming to terms with believing his actions rather than his words. As an anxious person, I really try to take people at their words because I can't always trust my interpretation of actions. Someone glances at me, I think they're judging me and finding me wanting. Someone doesn't seem as excited to hear from me as I'm expecting, I assume they dislike me. I know I have a warped sense of people's responses to me, so I tend to believe words. When the words are running really contrary to actions, it really fucks with me.
I decided to be classy, despite wanting to send a 'What the absolute fuck?" message, and I sent him a text wishing him Happy Birthday, said it had been nice getting to know him, and wished him the best for the future.
Nothing.
I guess I shouldn't have expected a response. When you cut off contact with someone, you cut off contact, but there was no discernible reason to do so, so I kept racking my brain to figure out what I'd done wrong. Of course, my brain being the hyper-critical place it is, I was able to come up with everything I'd said and done since we'd met as a reason for why he'd dump me without notice.
It's especially shitty because I'd totally fallen for him. He'd seemed so nice, so genuine, so geeky - all the things that normally signify a good guy. He had a cat. He volunteered with troubled teens. How could he end up being the kind of guy who would just brick wall me? How could he not respect me enough to just tell me he didn't want to see me anymore?
How am I not worth a couple words in a text message?
That final question is really what has caused me the most distress over the past few weeks as I grappled with having my heart broken by someone for the first time in over 20 years (who didn't die or move away). I went from the high of feeling like this awesome, sexy, desirable, confident older woman that he should feel lucky to get to be with to a piece of discarded trash, unworthy of respect or consideration, even from a 'nice' guy.
I was pretty shattered and sank into a fairly dark funk that I'm only now crawling out of - the timing of everything paired with the anniversary of my mother's death and mother's day back to back to back really adding to the pain and despair. I've felt really guilty as well, since my husband has had to be witness to my heartbreak over another guy. It's been hard to talk about it with him, yet he's the person I go to when I'm in pain and need to talk. One of the weirdest parts of this style of relationship.
I'm back on the dating horse (only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Amirite?) I've chatted with a few people and even slept with one of them, though I have to confess that our connection was nothing like what I'd had with the pup. Eventually, I will stop comparing people to him and the feeling of loss will fade.
I know that it will just take some time, and that even if I had an answer to my 'But Why????', I might like it even less than the stuff I've come up with. It's still exceedingly difficult not to keep thinking it would be better if I only knew why.
Tuesday 5 May 2015
The Pup
I started chatting with a young guy (26 to my 41!) from okcupid after he messaged me. He's a fellow geek and we had a ton to chat about which made it easy. He's definitely got a thing for older women and since I seem to have a thing for younger guys, it worked out well. We texted like mad for about two weeks before we were able to hook up. Finding time that wasn't already booked with other social activities was tricky enough, coupled with needing to find time when my husband was off at other activities so he didn't feel displaced from the house for my dates.
During those two weeks my ego received a delightful stroking. He was so eager. Constantly talking about how he couldn't wait for it to be the day we'd planned to meet up. We chatted and sexted and exchanged photos. He even sent me video of him jacking off and coming, which I find ridiculously hot. My husband and I started calling him 'the pup' when I first started chatting with him (a reference to a hated nickname my husband had been given by one of her other boyfriends when he was 19 and dating a much older woman), but it turned out to be a surprisingly accurate for my new beau.
I'd attempted to scare him off with really detailed descriptions of our other activities. He'd never been in a non-monogamous relationship and I wasn't sure he could handle it up close, but he just thought my descriptions of other partners and encounters were hot. He even talked me through my nerves before a date with another guy when I started freaking out and considered cancelling - It's going to be great. You're going to have such a good time. He's gonna fuck you so good. At that point, I was kind of smitten.
When we first started chatting, I was worried about him being insecure, but as he got comfortable, he got confident, going as far as to ask me to greet him at the door for our first hook-up totally naked. I ovaried-up and did so. It was pretty exhilarating. He's really skilled as well - maybe a little chintzy with the oral the first time round but we'd engaged in two weeks of foreplay so I don't blame him - we've had great sex together. Really. Great. Sex.
It's after the sex that things get weird. He doesn't want to stick around for long, which I hear is a typical guy thing, but I'm used to the lingering chatting of swingers after the fact. I didn't ever have casual sex when I was young so I've never experienced a guy wanting to run out the door to go get Subway when the fucking is done. I know different orgasm hormones do different things to the male brain after sex but I'm still there, sexy and naked, it seems like it should be worth sticking around a while for. He doesn't text for a few days, when I'm also used to the swinger messages the day after mentioning how much fun we've had. I've ended up texting him, because I refuse to be all idle and passive, but there's that stupid Cinderella part of my brain that wants him still chasing me.
I've been so socialized to follow the fiercely engrained, patriarchal bullshit script that tells me the only way I have value is if I'm being pursued and if I give up that role, no one will want me. Yet it's the powerful, confident, take-what-I-want woman I am that attracts people to me. Strangely, I can be the powerful me during the pursuit and sex, but the passive, insecure me pops up once the afterglow wears off.
I'm hoping it's just part of the learning-curve, since I'm so new to the sluttery thing. I've been operating under the MO of pretending like all is normal and simply texting him, but the post-coital distance has been harder on me than I'd like it to be. I'm probably going to have to ovary-up in this arena as well and simply tell partners what I need/expect after the fact.
Dammit! I signed up for cock, not personal growth!
During those two weeks my ego received a delightful stroking. He was so eager. Constantly talking about how he couldn't wait for it to be the day we'd planned to meet up. We chatted and sexted and exchanged photos. He even sent me video of him jacking off and coming, which I find ridiculously hot. My husband and I started calling him 'the pup' when I first started chatting with him (a reference to a hated nickname my husband had been given by one of her other boyfriends when he was 19 and dating a much older woman), but it turned out to be a surprisingly accurate for my new beau.
I'd attempted to scare him off with really detailed descriptions of our other activities. He'd never been in a non-monogamous relationship and I wasn't sure he could handle it up close, but he just thought my descriptions of other partners and encounters were hot. He even talked me through my nerves before a date with another guy when I started freaking out and considered cancelling - It's going to be great. You're going to have such a good time. He's gonna fuck you so good. At that point, I was kind of smitten.
When we first started chatting, I was worried about him being insecure, but as he got comfortable, he got confident, going as far as to ask me to greet him at the door for our first hook-up totally naked. I ovaried-up and did so. It was pretty exhilarating. He's really skilled as well - maybe a little chintzy with the oral the first time round but we'd engaged in two weeks of foreplay so I don't blame him - we've had great sex together. Really. Great. Sex.
It's after the sex that things get weird. He doesn't want to stick around for long, which I hear is a typical guy thing, but I'm used to the lingering chatting of swingers after the fact. I didn't ever have casual sex when I was young so I've never experienced a guy wanting to run out the door to go get Subway when the fucking is done. I know different orgasm hormones do different things to the male brain after sex but I'm still there, sexy and naked, it seems like it should be worth sticking around a while for. He doesn't text for a few days, when I'm also used to the swinger messages the day after mentioning how much fun we've had. I've ended up texting him, because I refuse to be all idle and passive, but there's that stupid Cinderella part of my brain that wants him still chasing me.
I've been so socialized to follow the fiercely engrained, patriarchal bullshit script that tells me the only way I have value is if I'm being pursued and if I give up that role, no one will want me. Yet it's the powerful, confident, take-what-I-want woman I am that attracts people to me. Strangely, I can be the powerful me during the pursuit and sex, but the passive, insecure me pops up once the afterglow wears off.
I'm hoping it's just part of the learning-curve, since I'm so new to the sluttery thing. I've been operating under the MO of pretending like all is normal and simply texting him, but the post-coital distance has been harder on me than I'd like it to be. I'm probably going to have to ovary-up in this arena as well and simply tell partners what I need/expect after the fact.
Dammit! I signed up for cock, not personal growth!
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