Guys are like Ah and Gals are like Oo

“being bisexual and having different feelings when ur attracted to guys than when u are to girls is so hard to explain bc being attracted to a guy is like “ah” and being attracted to a girl is like “oo” but that doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me” - http://decaheda.tumblr.com/post/124272551727/being-bisexual-and-having-different-feelings-when

I don’t know how to flirt with women.

From what I understand, this is a very typical experience for pan/bisexual women who have mostly dated men. Our heteronormative sex and dating lives don’t teach us the skills to connect with women beyond friendship. Everything we’re exposed to in media and culture also emphasizes how different men and women are in our communication and sexual desires, and although I really appreciate direct sexual advances, I’ve been taught that other women don’t. Maybe that’s not true, though, but I don’t have enough experience to know better.

I’ve always been into women. Well, as long as I’ve known it was a thing for me to be possible to be into, I’ve known. And thinking back to my childhood of sneaking into my older brother’s room to look at the porno mags in his closet and get especially titillated by the gal on gal action, I was into women before I knew it was a thing.

Growing up in a small town in northern Canada I’d heard the term lesbian whispered by schoolmates but knew it didn’t apply to me because I liked boys. Boy, did I like boys! Clearly I wasn’t a lesbian, so I didn’t think anything of those ‘feelings’ I had. I had a lot of stirrings in my late teens/early twenties but it wasn’t until Flick and I started dating, and he was so open to me sharing my fantasies, that it became something I talked about, and the word bisexual* came into play.

*Little note here that I tend to use the term pansexual now, since gender is not binary, and I know many bisexuals say that the term bisexual means ‘more than one sex’, but the pedant in me can’t help but argue that Bi means two! Anyway, I’m cool with people using whatever term fits for them, pansexual is my preference. I was oblivious of the sexual/gender politics of all this until last year, when I burst forth from my monogamy bubble, and described myself as bisexual until very recently.

Flick was open enough to support me exploring with women in the early days of our marriage since we’d paired up so young that I hadn’t had the opportunity or confidence to do said exploration before we met. I spent a few nights with a couple equally curious friends, and it was fun and lovely and sexy, but once I’d settled the craving for the unknown, established that yes, I did like sex with women, but it wasn’t something I couldn’t live without, it was back to monogamy as usual.

When we opened up last year, it started with a threesome with one of our friends. It was awesome, so sexy, and I was really into being with her, but switching back to platonic when we weren’t in the bedroom has been effortless. The same goes with the other women we’ve played with. I think they’re super sexy, we have a great time enjoying each other’s bodies, but it’s never gone beyond that. I figured that was my level of queer--into sex with women but nothing beyond that.

I’ve definitely met a few women that I’m quite smitten with *waves at Elle and Raina*, but I find I’m kind of intimidated by them, and my brain goes into this “Pretty! *giggle* Can’t. Talk.” shutdown mode, and I haven’t figured out how to break through. If we went out on a date, I would have no idea what to say. I just don’t know how to talk or flirt with the ladies.

I tried going on a date with a woman from okcupid when Flick and I first opened up last year. It seemed to go fairly well, but she wasn’t into me so I concluded I was bad at women and decided not to pursue any further female dating connections. As everyone knows, if you fail once, you never ever try again. I’m pretty sure that’s the common theme in most Life Success handbooks... Anyway, I decided that although I was pansexual, I must be heteroromantic when it came to relationships. Men I was good at. I’d stick with men.

My whole paradigm shifted recently when I met Iris.

We met through the dating website Kasidie after Cooper Beckett, wingman extraordinaire, pointed her our direction. After the usual schedule wrangling, and delays due to the holidays, we met for drinks in our default date pub, and within an hour, the three of us were making out at the table as the rest of the patrons played Trivia Night around us. I felt a spark with her that I haven’t experienced with a woman before, enough of a spark to tamp down my discomfort with makeout level PDAs.

Our first sexy date occured under the cloud of all three of us suffering from an horrific cold virus. The sexual charge was strong enough that we decided we’d go ahead with the date anyway, and despite sore throats and hacking coughs, we had a spectacular time, and planned immediately for our next.  

In between our dates, Iris and I flirted and sexted like crazy, in a way I never have with a woman (Iris and Flick did as well, but that was much more typical for our fmf dynamic). It felt easy, in a way it doesn’t normally when I’ve tried to flirt with women, perhaps because she was flirting with me at least as much. I send saucy pics back and forth with the other gals I play with, and we chat, but this is the first time I’ve received messages in the middle of my day from a woman saying she was thinking about the taste of my pussy. Um, sploosh!

Our next sexy date was even hotter, day sex at our place with the added frisson of knowing we were having vanilla people over for a party that evening after debauching all afternoon. She made me come with her mouth mere minutes into the proceedings while I sucked Flick’s cock, and the vision of her looking up at me, come dripping from her chin, streaking down her chest is going to be spankbank material for a long time.

I can’t quantify what is different with Iris, and I guess interpersonal chemistry is one of those things that is about as un-quantifiable as it gets, despite me always seeking to figure out the whys of attraction. She’s amazing--beautiful, smart, funny, and sexy--but so are the other women I play with. For some reason though, I have feelings toward her that have previously been reserved for guys. I can see us out on solo dinner dates, holding hands as we walk down rainy streets, and having solo playdates, as well as the awesome time we have as a trio with Flick.

It’s confusing and new and scary but awesome, and I’m so glad that this non-monogamy adventure has given me the opportunity to experience yet another first, my first real requited feels for a woman. I love that I’m getting to explore new pieces of my sexuality and queer identity, with Iris as catalyst.

If you need me, I’ll be over here, sexting and squeeing, and getting ready for where this journey might take me next.

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

First published on lifeontheswingset.com - Oct 30, 2015

I spent some time recently reading through some blog posts I wrote early this year. Those memories, plus a few experiences I had this week that have reminded me how far I’ve come in my open relationship adventure.

I was recalling our first swing date with another couple and remembered how freaked out I’d been about being naked in front of people. I wasn’t (as) nervous about the sex; it was really about the nudity. Sex is about doing. I’m good at doing. Nudity is about being. I’m terrible at being. Before becoming non-monogamous, I was rarely naked, even when alone in the house. Especially when alone in the house. Friends often accused me of being like Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development) who was a ‘never nude’ and even showered in jean shorts.

Since we opened our relationship, I’ve become so comfortable being naked. It’s almost effortless to hang out or wander around naked after playtimes, at the local nude beach, or alone in the house. Much of the associated fear and discomfort related to my body has eased, and I enjoy it much more. This is all a good thing, since we’re heading to Desire Resorts in a couple weeks, and I’m assuming I’ll be nude much of the time while I’m there. A year ago, I doubt I could have contemplated such a vacation.

We had a date with one of our wonderful unicorns this week and it was great. Really, really great. At no point did I wish I was alone reading a book or watching Netflix. Since our first, clumsy night together, we’ve really gelled, and our chemistry has gotten better and better. That in itself is interesting because she’s someone we hang out with regularly in a purely platonic fashion. She and I do yoga together weekly, and there’s no flirty spark when we spend time together in that realm–though I did forget myself one time in the change room and laughingly scold her about sending my husband home to me with above-the-collar hickeys. But when we start kissing, and start getting naked, wow are there sparks. It’s a really fun paradox.

My other experience this week was a first sexy-date with a guy I’ve been chatting with for a while and met up for a coffee and a walk last week. We have a really easy banter via text, but both of us are slightly awkward penguins in person. Plus, he’d never been with anyone but his wife; they married young and had had no previous sexual partners. I had no problem being his gateway-slut into the deep end of non-monogamy (in fact, it was quite a buzzy thrill to get to be that person), but wow, was it ever awkward.

I think one of the main issues was that we’re both pretty submissive (as is his wife, which is why they’ve had trouble clicking sexually). I can take charge a bit, especially to initiate things, but generally during sex, I like to be told what to do, or at least, enthusiastically encouraged what to do. So with him being completely in his head and freaked out because every single thing we were doing he’d only ever done with his wife, and me trying not to go too fast or too far, happy to ‘ruin’ him but not wanting to break him, it wasn’t the smoothest ride.

I’m definitely willing to give it a few more shots, though. I remember that ‘deer in headlights’ feeling I had when I started getting down with new partners, and I’m willing to step-up and attempt to be more dominant with him to see if he relaxes more while being bossed around. It’s really not my natural inclination, though, so we’ll have to see how it goes. Maybe it can become something I enjoy–variety is what non-monogamy is all about, after all–but maybe we’ll discover that someone else would suit his needs better. It’s a fascinating place to be in, though, as the ‘experienced’ one, considering that I still feel like such a n00b much of the time.

So as much as it’s galling to quote a cigarette ad from the 70s that exploited feminism to sell ‘slim’ cigarettes to women, it does feel like the an appropriate title and summary. From my first, panicked moments of non-monogamy to becoming the guiding hand (and lips, and pussy) on someone else’s adventure, I have come a long way, baby.

Getting to Open - Part 2

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Scheduling Woes

Scheduling is possibly the most complicated thing about my open relationship, and very likely, it's the same across most open relationships. Between working a couple jobs, hobbies, appointments, my husband's dates, and social events with our 'mundane' friends, trying to schedule my dates is an exercise in juggling and judicious use of a shared google calendar.

Add the spouses and partners of said dates into the equation, it’s amazing anyone ever gets laid.

So when the spouse of one of my partners doesn’t co-operate, and insists that he and I only get playdates when she has a date, it adds another level of challenge. When she blows up our date because hers fell through, that’s simply not cool.

When Flick and I decided that solo dating was something we wanted to explore in our opening up process, I’d thought it would be easier to date other people in open relationships because they’d understand a lot of the challenges inherent to the lifestyle. I'd assumed it would go more smoothly, but that isn’t always the case.

I’m pretty adaptable and laid back. In fact, I’m a total pleaser and will bend backwards to make things easier for others. I understand that it’s challenging to plan things, since I’m in the same boat, but after every date with one particular partner has been rescheduled, changed, and/or shortened many times, it starts to feel like it’s not worth the effort. In the past, I’ve just rolled with it, but when the most recent playdate became a maybe-just-drinks date, then a definitely-just-drinks date including the spouse who’d blown up our playdate plans, I’d had enough.

I wasn’t willing to go sit across the table with the person who was fucking with my night and my sex life, and not in the good way. My husband had a date scheduled to come to the house that night, so I needed to clear out for the entire evening. When coffee or a drink was offered in lieu of a night of great sex, I was pissed right off. At least if dinner and a walk was on offer, something that would take a similar amount of time to a playdate, I might have felt differently.

So I opted out. I decided I’d rather spend the evening elsewhere, even if that was by myself having dinner, reading, writing, or whatever, rather than try to make conversation with the two of them when I was hurt and angry. It felt rude to insist that only he and I went out, which was one of his offers, rather than the three of us, so I didn't feel comfortable doing that. It is a bit of a peek into my psyche that despite being hurt and angered by someone else’s selfish demands, I didn’t want to seem selfish or rude to her.

Since I needed to be out of the house, I messaged another fella I’ve been chatting with online and enquired if he’d be able to meet for a drink and a meal. We’d tried a few times to make plans without success--due to complicated scheduling--but he was free that night so we met up and had a lovely first date drinking beer and chatting.

The evening worked out as well as I could have hoped for, but I’m left with a dilemma about future plans with Mr. Yoyo. I’m trying to decide if it’s worth the effort of making plans when nearly every one of our dates so far has had to be changed. He and I have had some really hot, satisfying sex, and we have had good times hanging out platonically on our own, and with our spouses as a foursome. I don’t want to throw away the friendship with a couple who is open and understands living a bit of a double life, but I’m not sure if it’s worth continuing the sexual relationship when I’m often left feeling fairly disposable.

Yet I also feel torn because she’s his wife, his primary, and her needs should be most important to him. I want my needs to be most important to my husband as well, and I know if I needed him, I could ask him to cancel his date, but I’d only use that in an extreme circumstance. I think that she takes advantage of this primacy by using her veto for non-emergency situations. I know she is not completely comfortable with his dating, despite their having been open since the beginning of their relationship, but I think she needs to be in or out. Agreeing, then messing with his dates doesn’t seem like the loving thing to do.

And if it only affected my date and I, that would be one thing, but in open relationships, one cancelled date can cascade down a line affecting multiple people. Mrs. Yoyo’s date falls through, cancelling Mr. Yoyo & me. If I’d done the same, that would have affected Flick and his date Hot Mama, which would have affected her husband and so on.

I understand that there are complicated feelings related to your spouse dating and fucking other people. Just because I get a lot of compersion from setting up the bedroom for Flick--making sure the bed is made up with the Liberator Throe; condoms and lube in easy reach; clean towels in the bathroom--it doesn’t mean I’m immune to jealousy over knowing he’s having really special experiences without me. I feel it and accept it as part of the price of living the amazing, fulfilling life we share. A price I gladly pay.

There's a good chance I need to make sure I only play with partners whose spouses/primaries feel the same way.

The Pup Part Three: The Return

After three weeks of total radio silence from The Pup, I received an apology text saying he was sorry he'd disappeared so suddenly, but he'd been caught up in his parents' divorce drama and he'd gone to a dark place, but if I was willing, he'd like to start seeing each other again.

Well fuck.

There's a part of me that had been hoping for exactly that kind of message since he first vanished. Something that assured me that it wasn't in fact that I'm too ____ or not ____ enough for him to want to continue our relationship. We'd had such a great connection and I definitely want that -- and the awesome sex that came with -- back, but I'm also someone who has let others walk all over me in the past and I don't want to let myself get back into that sort of situation.

I also worry whether he has the kind of emotional maturity to be in the kind of FWB situation I'm looking for if got so fucked up by family drama that he couldn't thumb the words 'thank you' in response to a text wishing him a happy birthday.  I was his age when my dad died from cancer and I didn't shut down and block people from my life.

So I told him I'd think about it and that I'd been really hurt by the way he treated me. He apologized, admitted his mistake, and said he misses me. Double fuck. This would be so much easier if he were an asshole and could just write him off. It does speak to his character that he did have the ovaries to send me a message, though. He could have just left it be. I'm sure that getting back in my pussy is a pretty strong motivator, but I could have reacted really angrily to him and he was willing to put himself in front of that potential rage bomb.

After a night of pondering and a very sweaty morning yoga class, I decided to give him another shot. I messaged him to tell him that I'm game but that he's going to have to prove his emotional maturity and offer of friendship before things get sexual between us again. He has agreed so we'll see how it goes.

If nothing else, I practiced demanding respect and consideration, which isn't a muscle I exercise often. And if all goes well, I'll have my fun fuck buddy back. Plus, I finally have an answer to that big, fat WHY?

The Pup Part Two: Headgames and Heartbreak

I knew developing feelings for people was a risk I was taking when we opened things up, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly, or that those feelings would be for someone who would, unexpectedly and (seemingly) out of character, treat me cruelly.

I'd really been hoping when I wrote the last post that all my weird insecurities and fears that The Pup was doing 'the fadeaway' despite his assertions to the contrary were in my imagination. When I mentioned his decreased communication, he apologized, promised to improve, then stopped messaging all together.

*sigh*

I just don't get it. If he decided he wasn't interested in me, I don't understand why he wouldn't simply tell me and cut it off cleanly. His last message to me was,  "Ooh, I'd love that" when I mentioned getting together when he was finished his exams. I sent him two more texts after that, one congratulating him for being done with his exams, then one a few days later wishing him a Happy Birthday. Nothing.

By the time I sent the Birthday message, I was pretty sure it was done. It had been 5 days since his last confusingly-enthusiastic message, but I was finally coming to terms with believing his actions rather than his words. As an anxious person, I really try to take people at their words because I can't always trust my interpretation of actions. Someone glances at me, I think they're judging me and finding me wanting. Someone doesn't seem as excited to hear from me as I'm expecting, I assume they dislike me. I know I have a warped sense of people's responses to me, so I tend to believe words. When the words are running really contrary to actions, it really fucks with me.

I decided to be classy, despite wanting to send a 'What the absolute fuck?" message, and I sent him a text wishing him Happy Birthday, said it had been nice getting to know him, and wished him the best for the future.

Nothing.

I guess I shouldn't have expected a response. When you cut off contact with someone, you cut off contact, but there was no discernible reason to do so, so I kept racking my brain to figure out what I'd done wrong. Of course, my brain being the hyper-critical place it is, I was able to come up with everything I'd said and done since we'd met as a reason for why he'd dump me without notice.

It's especially shitty because I'd totally fallen for him. He'd seemed so nice, so genuine, so geeky - all the things that normally signify a good guy. He had a cat. He volunteered with troubled teens. How could he end up being the kind of guy who would just brick wall me? How could he not respect me enough to just tell me he didn't want to see me anymore?

How am I not worth a couple words in a text message?

That final question is really what has caused me the most distress over the past few weeks as I grappled with having my heart broken by someone for the first time in over 20 years (who didn't die or move away). I went from the high of feeling like this awesome, sexy, desirable, confident older woman that he should feel lucky to get to be with to a piece of discarded trash, unworthy of respect or consideration, even from a 'nice' guy.

I was pretty shattered and sank into a fairly dark funk that I'm only now crawling out of - the timing of everything paired with the anniversary of my mother's death and mother's day back to back to back really adding to the pain and despair. I've felt really guilty as well, since my husband has had to be witness to my heartbreak over another guy. It's been hard to talk about it with him, yet he's the person I go to when I'm in pain and need to talk. One of the weirdest parts of this style of relationship.

I'm back on the dating horse (only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Amirite?) I've chatted with a few people and even slept with one of them, though I have to confess that our connection was nothing like what I'd had with the pup. Eventually, I will stop comparing people to him and the feeling of loss will fade.

I know that it will just take some time, and that even if I had an answer to my 'But Why????', I might like it even less than the stuff I've come up with.  It's still exceedingly difficult not to keep thinking it would be better if I only knew why.

The Pup

I started chatting with a young guy (26 to my 41!) from okcupid after he messaged me. He's a fellow geek and we had a ton to chat about which made it easy. He's definitely got a thing for older women and since I seem to have a thing for younger guys, it worked out well. We texted like mad for about two weeks before we were able to hook up. Finding time that wasn't already booked with other social activities was tricky enough, coupled with needing to find time when my husband was off at other activities so he didn't feel displaced from the house for my dates.

During those two weeks my ego received a delightful stroking. He was so eager. Constantly talking about how he couldn't wait for it to be the day we'd planned to meet up. We chatted and sexted and exchanged photos. He even sent me video of him jacking off and coming, which I find ridiculously hot. My husband and I started calling him 'the pup' when I first started chatting with him (a reference to a hated nickname my husband had been given by one of her other boyfriends when he was 19 and dating a much older woman), but it turned out to be a surprisingly accurate for my new beau.

I'd attempted to scare him off with really detailed descriptions of our other activities. He'd never been in a non-monogamous relationship and I wasn't sure he could handle it up close, but he just thought my descriptions of other partners and encounters were hot. He even talked me through my nerves before a date with another guy when I started freaking out and considered cancelling - It's going to be great. You're going to have such a good time. He's gonna fuck you so good. At that point, I was kind of smitten.

When we first started chatting, I was worried about him being insecure, but as he got comfortable, he got confident, going as far as to ask me to greet him at the door for our first hook-up totally naked. I ovaried-up and did so. It was pretty exhilarating. He's really skilled as well - maybe a little chintzy with the oral the first time round but we'd engaged in two weeks of foreplay so I don't blame him - we've had great sex together. Really. Great. Sex.

It's after the sex that things get weird. He doesn't want to stick around for long, which I hear is a typical guy thing, but I'm used to the lingering chatting of swingers after the fact. I didn't ever have casual sex when I was young so I've never experienced a guy wanting to run out the door to go get Subway when the fucking is done. I know different orgasm hormones do different things to the male brain after sex but I'm still there, sexy and naked, it seems like it should be worth sticking around a while for. He doesn't text for a few days, when I'm also used to the swinger messages the day after mentioning how much fun we've had. I've ended up texting him, because I refuse to be all idle and passive, but there's that stupid Cinderella part of my brain that wants him still chasing me.

I've been so socialized to follow the fiercely engrained, patriarchal bullshit script that tells me the only way I have value is if I'm being pursued and if I give up that role, no one will want me. Yet it's the powerful, confident, take-what-I-want woman I am that attracts people to me. Strangely, I can be the powerful me during the pursuit and sex, but the passive, insecure me pops up once the afterglow wears off.

I'm hoping it's just part of the learning-curve, since I'm so new to the sluttery thing. I've been operating under the MO of pretending like all is normal and simply texting him, but the post-coital distance has been harder on me than I'd like it to be. I'm probably going to have to ovary-up in this arena as well and simply tell partners what I need/expect after the fact.

Dammit! I signed up for cock, not personal growth!

Rejection Suxxor

Went on a date on Tuesday with a woman from okcupid, and although we had a nice time chatting, I could tell by the end of the date as we said goodbye that she really wasn't feeling it. We hugged and as she was unlocking her bike, I mentioned that we could get together again and she said, "Yeah," in this really strained, high-pitched voice and I realized that she was saying all kind of no.

I attempted to shrug it off as I walked away, though I was pretty embarrassed and got a little teary-eyed under my sunglasses. I mean, there were a lot of things that likely wouldn't have made us compatible, but it still sucks to be judged as wanting by a potential partner. She was really pretty and I had a good time chatting with her, but I often talk too much when I'm nervous, and I'm guessing that was off-putting.

I've never actually dated a woman, and don't have any idea of how to do it, either, so it's probably all for the best, but rejection sucks, even if (and possibly more so when) you're not sure you wanted the person who's rejecting you.

After a couple days, just to make sure it wasn't my anxiety telling me lies, I wrote her a text to check in. I told her that I'd enjoyed meeting her, but got the sense at the end of our date that she wasn't feeling it. I wished her the all the best, if that were the case. She answered nicely, but admitted she hadn't felt any chemistry. She ended the text with 'Good Luck.'

Now, I'm sure she meant that in the nicest possible way, but my brain quickly converted those harmless, possibly kind words to read: 'Good luck finding anyone who'd want you.'

It rattled me more than I expected and I had to stop myself from tearing up again at work. Admittedly, tears are my first reaction to any intense emotion, but it seemed so silly to be crying over someone I wasn't sure I was into.

Blargh.

Hopefully that thicker skin is coming in the mail any day from Amazon.

So Many Firsts

It's tough to quantify all that's happened in the last couple weeks, but it's been full of a lot of firsts.

1) First 'boudoir' photoshoot.
The online profiles for dating websites require photos and once I saw the kinds of photos people were posting on the swinger websites, I realized the underwear selfies I had were not going to cut it. A good friend came over and took photos of me in various fetish gear and underthings, so now I have a great selection of shots to post and share.

2) First solo date (in 21 years)
Went out for coffee and a long walk with a guy from okcupid. I couldn't rely on my husband to fill in the quiet moments and so there were some awkward silences. We hit it off though and will see each other again.

3) First time going on two dates in one day
Had a couples date in the evening after my solo afternoon date. His open relationship rules require me to meet his wife before we get physical or I could have had even more exciting stats for #8.

4) First time sucking two cocks at the same time
We were playing the dirty card game* with R&S again and the dare came up to suck two cocks at once. Considering that I've only ever sucked four cocks in my entire life, it was quite a thing, though I'm sure my numbers are going to climb almost exponentially from now on...

5) First time not knowing whose fingers were in my pussy
We were playing with G&T. G was pressed up behind me, T was cuddled against my chest while my man ate her pussy, and someone was fingering me. I didn't know who it was. It was probably the most delicious, hedonistic moment of my life.

6) First time 'spitroasted'
I've written about this many times in dirty slash fiction (though almost always in a different orifice), but it was the first time that I've been fucked from behind by one man while sucking off another. It felt so blissfully slutty. I've been surprisingly able to savour those slutty moments rather than feeling shame about how much I like them.

7) First (and second and third) time squirting while someone fingered me
I've squirted several times before while playing with my super-fun nJoy Pure Wand but I've only used it on myself. G was fingering me while he went down on me and I pulled back because I was afraid it might happen. At that point, he was on a mission and made me do it twice. Then he showed T how and she made it happen again. At that point, my legs were so wobbly I could barely walk. Thankfully, I had my Liberator Throe under me and I didn't ruin the duvet.

8) First time fucking two men in the same night
Once our sexy guests went home, I rode my hot husband like a wild woman. For those who might think that other partners take away energy from the primary, it does the opposite and actually feeds more energy back into that relationship.

Strip High-Low Card Game

The rules for Strip High/Low

Everyone gets 20 chips in four stacks of five chips. Every player is wearing four pieces of clothing (or at least will undress to naked in four turns).

One card is turned up and rest of deck is dealt to players face down.

Take turns saying whether your card is going to be higher or lower than the upturned card. (Aces are high)

If you guess wrong, one chip goes into the middle. If the card is a tie, you lose two chips.

Every time you're down five chips, you have to take off an item of clothing. Soon, everyone wins!



Penalty Variation

If you want to keep playing and have a game turn into playtime, you can continue with the penalty variation.

Each player writes out dares on pieces of paper (or you could prepare in advance). You can go from tame to super-naughty, depending on the comfort of players.

Examples:
Kiss where you want
Make out for 3 min
Perform a lap dance
From my toes to my lips, get as close as you can to my skin
3-way make-out
Dirty dance together
Sexy slow dancing
Kiss inner thigh
Kiss from knee to belly button
3 sexy bites
Make a sexy sandwich
Show a new sex position
Perform oral sex
Sixty-nine
Suck two cocks at once


Players get a stack of penalty chips once they're naked.

When they've lost all their chips, they have to pull a dare from the hat and perform it (You can have it be person-specific by them having to pull a name or a player-specific chip as well).

After performing the dare, they get stack back and game continues until you run out of dares or a 'game ender' dare has everyone more interested in playtime than continuing.

Crushing reality of crushes

It's been a very long time since I've had a crush on someone. It's been an especially long time since I've had a crush on someone and planned, and had permission, to act on it.

This is all amazing, it appears. I have this guy that I like, and if everything went well (and we could somehow end up in the same city), I could totally go fuck the hell out of him. Except, it seems that he's not as into me as I am into him.

And that is very hard on the ego.  I vacillate between thinking it doesn't matter and thinking that I should back right off. Between taking the things he says expressing interest at face value and reading the silences and non-responses as a sign of his true feelings.

And I feel kind of ridiculous and high school about the whole thing and it's embarrassing. I get the endorphin rush and high every time I see there's a message from him. Then I get the plummet and the low when I message without response or I see that pesky green dot indicating he's online but isn't chatting with me.

I suppose it's all practice and it's good to have me toughen up a bit. I'm putting myself out there and being vulnerable. It's not always going to be met with a yes, and from behind the safety of the computer screen is going to be easier than in person. For an anxious person like me, it's still incredibly difficult.

But I guess that's why it's called a crush.

Cock-blocked by your husband

It is probably something unique to those in open relationships that although you have permission from your spouse to fuck other people, they still sometimes get in the way of said fucking of other people. (Hey, sweetie, You might want to skip this entry. We've talked about it and resolved it, and everything is cool. I still wanted to blog about the experience.)

I recently opened an okcupid profile and, after the flood of straight guy 'wassup' messages, limited it to be seen only by bisexuals, queer, genderqueer, or trans people. I was hoping to find some dates, but haven't got the time or patience right now to do the necessary wading through the bulk responses.  I did, however, get a message from a trans guy who seemed like a good match. He understood the reference in my username, we were really highly matched through the okcupid algorithm, and he was really cute.

We chatted back and forth through the website then moved to email so I could send some pics other than my profile photo. It seemed like we clicked really well. Particularly in a way that would end up being the problem: he was kinky and he was a dom. 'Perfect', I thought, 'my sweetie isn't into dominating me yet I like it. He can outsource that like Dan Savage suggests for partners that aren't into the same kinks as their partners.'

We continued to have chatty emails almost every day until I brought up some of the details with my sweetie who was not okay. Not only is he not okay with dominating me himself, he's not okay with any man dominating me. A woman, fine, but not a man.

There are varied and complicated issues at play with his feelings about this, which I understand and respect. He can't help the experiences he's had through his life and he can't help his feelings, but to me this seemed patently unfair. We discussed it at length and broke it down as much as possible but neither of us could truly make the other understand our disparate points of view. I felt like there was a certain amount of caveman, chest-beating "Woman is Mine!" stuff going on and I was hurt and angry. I'm a feminist and no-one's property.

But I am also a loving wife, and if we're going to make this non-monogamy thing work, I have to respect his boundaries, much like I expect him to respect my boundaries. And I know that there is a lot more at play than just the caveman brain at play here, despite the fact that I'm rankling at the invisible bonds put upon me.

So I wrote to my new friend and explained how things were, thinking that there's still plenty of fun stuff we could do. And he dumped me, not interested in playing by some other guy's rules, and not that interested in vanilla sex, even though I'm 'really kind, engaging, smart and hot.'

Sigh. So I spent a morning crying, because I'm ridiculous and brand-new to online dating, so I haven't developed the tough shell required for the quick connect/disconnect that happens (and I really liked him! *whine whine*). A poly friend said that any potential partner who doesn't respect the primary's limits isn't a good potential partner, so I probably dodged a bullet there, but it still blows. I know there are other smart, fun, hot guys out there, and maybe a wonderful female domme, I'm just gonna have to wade through a sea of "'sup" to get there.