I’ve been trying to work out a new approach to my secondary relationships because what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working for me. I spend much of my time riddled with self-doubt and angst--and sometimes bouts of ugly-cry tears--based on the communication whims of my partners. I just can’t do it anymore, nor do I want to.
I feel like I’ve got a couple options as far as response to the communication disparity. I can demand changes of my partners, or I can figure out how to be okay with what I’m getting. If I do the first, things may or may not change in my relationships, so I think I will be served better by the second approach, and that’s what I’m working on.
Being that I’ve been at this open relationship thing for less than a year, it’s difficult to shake the monogamous mind-set of seeing relationships as having to be a certain way or they have to end. Non-monogamous relationships don’t have to follow that model because none of my partners have to be everything to me. Accepting them for who they are and what they have to give me will free me from much of the angst I’ve been experiencing when communication doesn’t look the way it does in my ideal scenario.
Part of this shift in mindset comes from radical acceptance. I was messaging with a long-distance partner with whom I wanted to video chat/masturbate together, but it’s not really his thing. He was careful to make it clear that it wasn’t just me he didn’t want to do that with, and I had a very clear moment when I realized that even if it was only me he didn’t want to do that with, it would still be okay.
Of course, I would love to be special in my partners’ eyes. I would love it if they thought of me as often as I think of them, but it’s truly okay if they don’t. And my acceptance is not meant to be an acceptance of being treated poorly. I have a history of being a doormat, but this isn’t coming from a belief that I don’t deserve better. None of my partners are treating me poorly, they simply aren’t as chatty as I am, and don’t tend to initiate conversations as often as I do.
When I’m in a healthy headspace, I can see that for what it is--they’re busy, they don’t feel the need to connect as often as I do--but when my overly anxious or depressed brain is calling the shots, the message I hear is that I’m unimportant, merely a convenient set of holes they use when they’re horny and ignore when they’re not.
By recalibrating my dependence on the external stimulus of text messages for affirmation, I’m hoping to take away some of the power my illness can hold over me, much like my ‘I love you’ tattoo does--well, brain, you’re telling me I’m worthless, and that my friends and family wouldn’t even feel a loss if I wasn’t around, but when I was healthy, I took the time to get these words inked into my skin, so I’m going to believe them rather than you.
Thinking about love was the other part of what spurred me to thinking about a change in mindset. I’m not currently in love with any partners other than my husband, but I’ve worried that I might fall in love with one of them, and they might not love me back. I have in the past developed feelings quickly and intensely, so this has felt like a real risk. But I’ve come to realize that although it would be nice to have someone reciprocate those feelings, I don’t need that. My love wouldn’t have to be a selfish love that depended on being returned. I could simply love someone because I did, and I could enjoy loving them, and that could be enough.
As luck would have it, after pondering this topic all day at work, I heard from one of my partners that he needed to take a break from our physical relationship. He’s going through some things and needed some time to figure it out. I was able to freely and honestly tell him that it was just fine, that I was available if he wanted to chat, and that all I want from him is what he’s able to give.
All that said, I also need to figure out when I need to back away if something isn’t serving me well, when investing in a relationship that causes me more pain than joy isn’t in my best interest. In an ideal situation, I’ll be so zen that I won’t feel the pain, but I know that’s not realistic. I’ve come to realize how one-sided one of my relationships is and I think I need to put on the brakes. I’ve had warning signs since the beginning that it wasn’t going to be a super-smooth ride, but I blithely ignored the negatives thanks to the sense-altering buzz of New Relationship Energy (NRE). I don’t feel like I need to give up the relationship entirely, just recalibrate my expectations of what I want out of it, as well as how much time and effort I’m willing to put into it.
It’s hard, though, because when things have been good, it’s been really good, and I let myself get swept up in a lovely world of make-believe where we get closer and closer. I think we may have reached our limit of closeness, though, and I know that with time, I will be okay with that. I’ve got some awkward and painful days ahead of me as I get to the other side and grieve the relationship I thought we had/were building. Once I’m through the hurt, I will come to embrace the one we’ve got.
This is a pattern I’m doomed to repeat if I don’t get myself sorted. I’ve already been through it once, and fuck, did that ever suck. I was heartbroken and miserable, and also felt incredibly guilty that my husband had to watch me going through that over another guy. I’m hoping that this time won’t be as bad because I know what I’m in for. It sucks though. I really like him. But I don’t have to stop liking him, I don’t even need to stop crushing on him. I just need to ditch any expectations I had of this becoming more than a casual thing.
Grieve the fantasy, embrace the reality. My new mantra.
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