I Love You. It's No Big Deal.

I am feeling way too much at present for someone who is not interested in feeling the same way about me. I know he cares about me. He has even said that he adores me, but he wants to keep an emotional distance due to our physical distance.

I get that. It's hard not to pine for someone when the feelings are strong but you can't be together regularly. But somehow the distance would feel easier to me if I felt really secure in what his feelings for me were. I really should be able to simply hear the words he's said and accept them as meaning what they mean, but then I don't hear from him for a few days and all the old doubts are back.

I think my insecurity is related to the imbalance of feelings between us. I'm in love with him and sometimes that love feels like it's destroying me.  Feeling it, but keeping it to myself is its own special level of hell. Other days, I'm able to have the emotional distance that I can feel my love for him and simply enjoy it. It's nice to be in love. Except when it fills me with despair.

I have such a fear of letting him know my true feelings. I know he doesn't want it. He specifically told me at one point not to tell him I love him or we'd need to have a serious talk about where our relationship was headed. It was said as if in jest, but I know it wasn't entirely in jest, and I'm pretty sure he'd run if he knew my true feelings. It feels more loving not to put that on him, though there are days when I'd love to just put it out there, slam my hand down on that big red button, and see what's left when the smoke clears.

There's a great article by Carsie Blanton talking about casual love - http://blog.carsieblanton.com/post/82149148832/casual-love. The idea is that if love weren't this big deal, this life-altering event, we could fall in love without so much of the drama attached to what can be an awesome feeling.  I love you. It's no big deal. 

These two paragraphs speak to me like crazy. "The big advantage for the lover is that falling in love will feel less scary, life-threatening, and crazy-making... If we interpret this particular set of feelings and thoughts as an epic, life-changing event, we’ll have no choice but to get really, really attached to our beloved. We’ll throw a lot of expectations at them (“Love me back! Love me only! Love me forever!”), and feel hurt and resentful if the feeling is not mutual."

"The big advantage for the beloved is that being loved will feel less like an attack, and more like a gift. The little-discussed fact is that it’s super uncomfortable to be loved when the feeling is not mutual...We panic, we get distant, we deny any interest or care for the other person, we stop returning their texts. But that’s not an aversion to love, or to the lover; it’s the attachment and expectation being hurled in our direction with such intensity. If love was casual, we could take it as a high compliment, say “thanks!”, and feel some warm fuzzies."