It's been a very long time since I've had a crush on someone. It's been an especially long time since I've had a crush on someone and planned, and had permission, to act on it.
This is all amazing, it appears. I have this guy that I like, and if everything went well (and we could somehow end up in the same city), I could totally go fuck the hell out of him. Except, it seems that he's not as into me as I am into him.
And that is very hard on the ego. I vacillate between thinking it doesn't matter and thinking that I should back right off. Between taking the things he says expressing interest at face value and reading the silences and non-responses as a sign of his true feelings.
And I feel kind of ridiculous and high school about the whole thing and it's embarrassing. I get the endorphin rush and high every time I see there's a message from him. Then I get the plummet and the low when I message without response or I see that pesky green dot indicating he's online but isn't chatting with me.
I suppose it's all practice and it's good to have me toughen up a bit. I'm putting myself out there and being vulnerable. It's not always going to be met with a yes, and from behind the safety of the computer screen is going to be easier than in person. For an anxious person like me, it's still incredibly difficult.
But I guess that's why it's called a crush.
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